We Asked 45 People Over 80 About the Secret to Happiness—And They All Wished They’d Known This One Thing Earlier
Today I have answered 500(ish) emails, sent 300 texts, driven five teenagers to the mall, cleaned up four piles of dog vomit, taught three fitness classes, done two interviews, written one-and-a-half articles, attended one Spanish class … and it’s not even dinnertime yet. All that’s missing is the partridge in a pear tree. So my life is certainly full. But is it fulfilling? I can’t exactly say that all these things today brought me joy. But if we want to be Truly Happy aren’t we supposed to be, like, finding joy in the little things? Or something?
It’s that “or something” that I think about a lot these days, as the days fly by ever faster. Where are we supposed to find that happiness for our “one beautiful life” when it’s just so dang busy? Then it occurred to me that while we’ll ask 500 strangers online how to do sourdough bread, for some reason we never ask the people who’ve been doing this life thing for 80 years or more how to do life. Thankfully, I can fill that gap for all of us.
I write the 100 Years Strong column for The Healthy, where I interview people in their 80s, 90s and 100s about their lives and longevity secrets. I make it a point to ask each one what their secret to happiness is. And make no mistake: These people are happy happy. Even though they’ve lived through the Great Depression, World War II, the Civil Rights Movement, multiple revolutions in other countries and the full gamut of difficult personal challenges, nearly all of them are pretty positive most of the time.
“That doesn’t surprise me one bit. People do tend to get happier as they get older,” says Robert Waldinger, MD, a psychiatrist and the co-director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study of happiness in the world. If there’s one person who has interviewed more elderly folks than I have, it’s definitely him. “It’s a real, documented thing, called the positivity effect,” he explains. “There’s a psychological shift around the mid-40s, when people begin to realize life is short.”
To help find out what makes people happy, I interviewed more than 45 people, aged 80 to 103, and asked them what they wish they’d understood about happiness sooner and what keeps them smiling. Read on to find out. The answer will definitely surprise you—it’s basically the opposite of what the self-help section says.
Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more happiness, life advice, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.
What is the happiness secret most 80-year-olds wish they’d known sooner?
The hard-earned secret that comes up most often among our folks can be best summed up by 100-year-old Dwight Roberts: “I don’t even think of life in terms of happiness. My mind doesn’t work on that level.”
Yep. The secret to happiness may actually be … not pursuing happiness. Or even thinking about it all that much. Most of the active 80-, 90- and 100-year-olds I talk to are so busy, staying useful and curious, that they never stop to grade their own happiness.
Connie Carr, who is still teaching three fitness classes per week at 93, agrees, saying, “Oh, I haven’t got time to be sad! I never have. With my hobbies and friends and classes, I’ve always got something happy happening.”
Havi Stander, 95, also keeps herself happily busy—including posing for a “not-so-nudie” YMCA calendar! “When people ask me about being happy, I tell them to stop focusing so much on yourself. Relax. Stay interested in everything around you. Don’t close your eyes, baby. There’s a wonderful world out there.”
Dr. Waldinger explains: “Happiness isn’t necessarily a choice—it’s a feeling. And the trick is to stop trying to ‘create happiness’ but rather create the conditions for happiness and then go on living your life.” He began exploring this theme in his first book, the New York Times bestseller The Good Life, and now offers practical tips for achieving this mindset in his new book, Nothing to Fix. Trying to force happiness can backfire. Just think of the parent gritting their teeth through a Disney meltdown, insisting, “This is fun, dang it, and you will enjoy it!” Instead, Dr. Waldinger suggests creating opportunities for happiness without demanding that every moment deliver *jazz hands* JOY.
Martha Clement, 91, who was delivered by a doctor in a horse and buggy and now uses AI, illustrates this principle perfectly. “I don’t get low because I get out and go,” she says, laughing at her rhyme. “Friends make me happy, but you can’t make friends or have friends if you stay home all the time and sit in that chair.” (Fun fact: The man who sat next to her in the interview, Lee Penhallegon, 90, has been her friend for more than 80 years.)
What are they most definitely not doing?
They’re not sitting at home making spreadsheets about how to optimize their happiness and cutting out every person who doesn’t “bring them joy.” In fact, these people are incredibly tolerant of things that make them uncomfortable or don’t go smoothly.
Dwight, for example, has run more than 300 races over the past 45 years, including four marathons, and still has the audacity to tell me he “still doesn’t like running.” So if the running doesn’t make him happy, why do it? Because running has given him more than the experience of running itself. There’s the thrill of a race, new friends, a sense of accomplishment and the benefits of staying active. As he puts it, he’s learned to skip the happiness audit and “just pay attention to what’s in front of you.”
Of course, my interviewees aren’t necessarily representative of everyone their age. They volunteered to talk with me, so it’s possible they were happier or more engaged than their peers on average. Still, the idea that we don’t have to feel happy all the time to live a satisfying life has support in psychological research. “Many many studies have shown us that optimism has a strong effect on health,” Dr. Waldinger says, explaining that not only do people who live longer feel happier, but happier people also tend to live longer, creating a beautiful cycle of positivity.
Does this match what experts say?
Boy does it! A 2024 UC Berkeley study found that monitoring and judging your own happiness was linked with lower well-being and more negative feelings—even during positive experiences. Simply wanting to be happy, however, wasn’t associated with those same problems. It’s a nuanced distinction. A 2024 Dutch survey of 8,331 adults found that people who valued happiness reported greater life satisfaction, but intensely focusing on being happy didn’t predict greater life satisfaction a year later.
This distinction matters: It’s fine to want to be happy. It’s the constant checking and nitpicking—Am I happy yet? Why aren’t I happier? What’s wrong with me?—that can get in the way.
Dr. Waldinger has seen this in his own research and personal life as well. “One of the things that I wish I knew about happiness sooner is that life is unsatisfactory. It’s not a flaw—it’s the point. I learned that studying to become a Zen priest,” he says. (Yes, he is a Zen master on top of being a researcher, psychiatrist, speaker, author and family man.) “It changed my outlook because I stopped trying to fight the discomfort and instead looked at what it is trying to teach me.”
It turns out that some of our unhappiness comes from trying so hard to avoid being unhappy—which, if we’re honest, is something many of us spend a lot of time doing. “One of the things I really focus on in my new book is the power of embracing our negative emotions, facing them head-on,” he explains. “Denying those feelings just makes it harder to act and to effect positive change. You can have unhappiness but still be happy.”
Dwight is the poster child (grandfather?) for this attitude: “Oh, I’ll have a great day today,” he tells me, even though it’s quite early and most of the day still stretches ahead of us. “Even when it’s a bad day, I always have a good day.”
What other happiness themes came up repeatedly in these interviews?
Overall, strong relationships with other humans is the strongest link to both health and happiness, Dr. Waldinger says. But there are so many ways to build and maintain those relationships, which leads to three other main themes I noticed in my interviews.
They stay useful by serving others and volunteering
Volunteer work, whether it’s through a formal organization or just helping out where you can, has been consistently linked to better health and increased happiness. Serving others is a powerful way of building happiness without focusing on it, because you’re absorbed in helping build someone else’s happiness, which, in turn, gives you more happiness than any self-care day could. And these seniors are living proof it works.
Edward Krauss, 91, ran his town’s food pantry for 23 years, built homes for Habitat for Humanity and then started his own charity building wheelchair ramps for people who can’t easily leave their homes. He’s still at it.
Jean Hinkle, 92, started a free lunch program and now hands out 100 to 350 hot meals every third Thursday. “God just put it on my heart,” she says.
Natalie Grabow, 80, the world’s oldest woman Ironman champion, is motivated, in part, by wanting to stay strong enough to care for her husband. “It gives me energy. It gives me joy.”
And Stephen Broadbelt, 91, who has lived all over the world and actually serenaded me during our interview, brings a dozen roses to church every week. He leaves a note inviting people to take one and give it to someone else along with a compliment. “At the end of the day, we’re all here to help each other,” he says.
But I think James Sneed, 103, sums it up the best. James drove a tank during World War II when the Army was segregated—he was actually pulled out of victory photographs and replaced with a White soldier—and went on to play a pivotal role in the Civil Rights Movement in the South while building several houses by hand and raising five children. Through it all, he maintained his faith in humanity and made a point of welcoming the people he met. “Do all the good you can, to all the people you can, every place you can,” he says. “That’s really it. That’s how you be happy.”
The keep making new friends, often younger ones
Friends of different ages and backgrounds can introduce us to new perspectives, experiences and opportunities to learn.
Ruthie Vinette, 96, spent her life on the water and made it her mission to bring swimming to underprivileged kids. When I asked about her friendships, she told me: “I [had] very good friends. And most of them are gone. So I have new friends, and all my friends now are younger. And I like that. They make me feel young, and I keep learning new things.”
Martha Clement and Lee Penhallegon, meanwhile, have been friends for more than 80 years. As they’ve grown older, they’ve continued to make new friends too. They begin by counting the classmates they’ve lost and remembering them fondly, then turn to the people they’ve met more recently.
“Making friends doesn’t have to be so complicated,” Lee says. “My rules are: Don’t gossip, stay easy to be around and keep showing up at the same places.”
Honestly, that’s a pretty good friendship manual at any age.
They never stopped playing
Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, many of us start treating fun as something we have to earn after all the important stuff is done. But if you want a life that feels good to live, recreation can’t always be the thing that gets bumped to next week.
Sonny Veltri, 98, decided to become a lifeguard in his 80s. Who starts a new hobby or side hustle at this age? Happy people, that’s who. When I ask him why, he gives me a sly wink and says, “For the ladies!” And not only does he thoroughly enjoy his pool time, but at 90, he also jumped in and rescued a drowning girl, providing CPR until EMS arrived, and saved her life. “You have to believe in yourself and stay positive when trying new things,” he says. “Don’t overdo anything. And always exercise—that’s the whole key. And keep laughing. I don’t know if that’s the secret, but it doesn’t hurt.”
Sue Foster, 91, who runs a large Airbnb agrees, saying, “I truly believe in humor as medicine. There’s nothing better than a good laugh.” So she looks for hobbies that give her that daily dose, like her classes at the YMCA.
Hobbies don’t have to be physical, though. Fred Richman, 99, a renowned artist who is selling more pieces than ever, tells me his motto is “Never act my age!” And then he admonishes me: “Please don’t tell me you’re going to act your age.”
Similarly, Mike Zambrano, 95, started dancing as a child in Cuba and kept that skill after he fled to the U.S. after the revolution. He danced everything from the bolero to the twist with his wife, and he still dances several times a week. “You can just make up your own steps if you can’t follow the rhythm,” he assures me. Which, frankly, sounds like excellent life advice beyond the dance floor.
How can you redesign your life to be happier, ideally well before you turn 80?
The big lesson from my interviews is simple: Build a life that keeps you engaged with people and activities you care about. Give happiness room to happen instead of making it just one more thing to accomplish.
“Our brains are wired to look for danger, because negativity can be protective—it helps us spot threats,” Dr. Waldinger explains. “But that instinct can go into overdrive.” Between the 24-hour news cycle and the online “if it bleeds, it leads” mentality, we’re bombarded with danger signals, even when those threats have nothing to do with our own lives. “You have to consciously counteract that instinct.”
Here are six ways to start.
Stop asking yourself if you’re happy
Instead of chasing a feeling, focus on the things that make life meaningful: spending time with people you love, doing something you’re curious about, helping someone else or simply enjoying what’s in front of you. Dwight Roberts puts it this way: “I ask myself, What can I still do, and what does it give me right now?”
That doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful. It just means changing the question from Why aren’t I happy? to What am I looking forward to? Who can I connect with? What would make today feel worthwhile?
Treat relationships as something you build, not something you wait for
If there’s one theme that comes up again and again among people who’ve lived long lives, it’s the importance of connection. But meaningful relationships don’t happen without effort. Sometimes you have to be the one who reaches out, makes the plan or shows up somewhere often enough that familiar faces become friends.
Put time with friends and family on your calendar instead of hoping you’ll find time later. Return to the same class, club, volunteer group or community gathering. And don’t limit yourself to the people you already know. Some of the most rewarding friendships can begin when you step outside your usual circle. It might feel awkward at first. Do it anyway. Friendship is worth a little awkwardness.
“We benefit from all types of relationships, and investing in relationships is the No. 1 thing you can do to be happier,” Dr. Waldinger says.
Find ways to be useful to other people
Helping someone else can give your day a sense of purpose that you can’t get from focusing exclusively on your own happiness. That doesn’t mean you need to volunteer for a major cause or become the person everyone calls in a crisis. It can be as simple as checking on a neighbor, sharing a skill, making someone laugh or finding a way to contribute to a community you care about.
All—yes, all—of the people I spoke with found meaning in service, volunteering and showing up for others. Their stories were a reminder that purpose doesn’t have to be grand or glamorous. Sometimes it’s simply knowing that someone else’s day was a little better because you were part of it.
Keep making room for things that make you feel alive
Play isn’t just for kids! Whether it’s dancing, learning a skill, exploring a new place or doing something that makes you laugh until you can’t catch your breath, enjoyment deserves a place in your life—even when you have a thousand other things to do.
You can also make a habit of noticing the good things that are already there. One simple way to do this is to keep a daily gratitude journal. Another idea? Take a picture of things that make you happy when you see them, then put them into a digital scrapbook that you can keep adding to.
The goal isn’t to turn happiness into another assignment on your to-do list; it’s to give you more opportunities to find happiness organically.
If you do this, how long will it be before you feel the change?
“The nice thing about happiness is that even small changes can lead to an immediate happiness boost,” Dr. Waldinger says. Help someone today, even just give someone new a compliment, and see how you feel. However, to feel a change in your general baseline mood, it might take a bit longer. Expect a couple of months for the habits to feel automatic. After a year, you’ll see some real gains in well-being.
And don’t feel defeated if you fall off the bandwagon. It happens to the best of us! Accept the slip as a normal part of being human, not as a referendum on your own worth, Dr. Waldinger says. In fact, the UC Berkeley study found that judging your own happiness only adds negative feelings. So cut the “I should be feeling happy …” and replace it with “I’m feeling upset right now, and that’s normal and OK—here’s what I am going to do differently tomorrow.” You can and will recover from a bad day, a bad month or even a bad year.
Is it too late to start?
Of course not! You’ll have days when you don’t feel happy, weeks when your plans fall apart and stretches when finding the energy to do much of anything feels harder than usual. That’s being human, not failing at happiness. The point isn’t to be cheerful all the time. It’s to keep making room for connection, curiosity and things that give your life meaning—even when you’re having a rough patch.
And it’s never too late to start something new. Just ask Natalie Grabow, our 80-year-old Ironman champion.
“I didn’t even learn to swim until I was 59 years old!” she tells me. “People think motivation fades with age. But if anything, it gets clearer.”
Maybe that’s the real secret: You don’t have to figure out how to be happy forever. In fact, there’s no such thing as happiness forever. Instead, keep living, keep connecting with others, stay aware of what does make you happy and stay open to whatever tomorrow brings.
To read more about the inspiring people featured in this story, check out The Healthy’s 100 Year Strong Project.
About the expert
|
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece on what makes people happy, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who frequently writes about psychology, communication, etiquette and common curiosities for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Robert Waldinger, MD, psychiatrist, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, co-author of The Good Life and author of Nothing to Fix; personal interview, Oct. 15, 2026
- The Healthy: Personal interviews for 100 Years Strong
- Harvard Second Generation Study: “Welcome to the Harvard Study of Adult Development”
- Emotion: “Unpacking the Pursuit of Happiness”
- Psychological Science: “Does Valuing Happiness Lead to Well-Being?”
The post We Asked 45 People Over 80 About the Secret to Happiness—And They All Wished They’d Known This One Thing Earlier appeared first on Reader's Digest.
from Reader's Digest https://ift.tt/MhktFW5
Comments
Post a Comment