I consider myself a small-talk connoisseur. We moved a lot when I was a kid, so I had to get good at connecting with strangers quickly or else no one would have shown up to my birthday parties. Now, as an adult, I’m always down to discuss road construction, light news and even the weather (honestly, there’s so much to say about it these days!). Of course, there are times when small talk gets stuck in the “How are you? I’m fine. How are you?” death spiral, but I’d argue that’s just small talk done badly. Not everyone agrees with me—in fact, some people are even calling for the end of small talk, saying that it can be impersonal, a waste of time and even rude.
So I decided to spend a whole day skipping small talk and just opening with whatever deep conversation topic was on my mind. Here’s how it went:
- To a friend at the gym: “Hey, how are the testosterone injections going? What’s your sperm count at now?”
- To a cashier at Costco: “Do you think Lay’s is going too far with selling this 2-pound bag of chili-lime taro chips? That seems like a bold move to go straight to the bulk size when most people couldn’t identify taro on a produce chart.”
- To my husband: “The fact that the dishes are in the sink and not the dishwasher makes me wonder if you truly love me, and now I’m questioning our relationship.”
- To my daughter: “Severely parted, slicked-back ponytails are going to be the big thing your generation cringes at when they look back on their teen years. After ‘6-7,’ of course.”
- To a friendly acquaintance: “I watched a YouTube essay about why Gen Zers aren’t having kids, and I keep thinking about it. Do you think your kids are planning on having children?” (Her kids are 4 and 8.)
- To a newish work colleague: “I ate a breakfast sandwich one week past its expiration date this morning. Not sure that was the wisest choice.”
Read on to discover how my little experiment went and find out if it’s really rude to skip small talk these days.
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The case for skipping small talk
My experiment went … surprisingly OK. I thought people would be taken aback by the abruptness—and maybe they were—but they all engaged. The testosterone count was good, the taro chips were delicious (the cashier and I decided to open the bag and try them together, and they have an aftertaste like Froot Loops), my husband still loves me, and the friendly acquaintance is now closer to a friend because we had a great discussion. My daughter did not agree and said slick-backs are a “classic,” calling out portraits from the 1800s, which is actually a good point.
So maybe the anti–small talk crowd is onto something. This approach is more efficient and clear, and there are so many meaty things to discuss in the world, so why not just get to it?
This preference for just getting to the point may be a cultural shift that’s happening right now. A large majority of Gen Zers in the workforce reported feeling comfortable talking about traditionally taboo topics like job satisfaction and pay with colleagues, according to a recent Adobe Future Workforce Study. And my personal experience with the younger crowd is that this isn’t limited to just workplace conversations—an openness I find refreshing. And hey, I’d rather talk about a stranger’s therapy session than deal with a silent Gen Z stare.
It may also mesh better with more people’s natural inclinations and personalities. Many neurodivergent people report small talk as feeling performative and draining, making social interactions even more difficult. And once they said it, many neurotypical people found they agreed. As a friend with autism put it: “It’s hard enough to figure out what to say to you. Now I have to figure out fake stuff to say first?” Plus, small talk can sometimes come across as fake, making you doubt the motives of the person speaking it.
Lastly, science says ditching the small talk actually works. In another study, researchers put people into two groups: one that had strangers engage in shallow small talk, and another where strangers had deep conversations. They asked the participants to rate how awkward the situation felt, and as it turns out, all the conversations ended up less awkward than expected. But the surprising part is that the biggest gap in expectation was in the group with deep conversations—meaning the conversations people were most afraid would go wrong actually went the most right. The risk paid off.
The case for keeping small talk
The one instance where my experiment went painfully awry was when I skipped the small talk with my new co-worker and told her about my sketchy breakfast. She immediately redirected me back to small talk with “So I’m Jane—it’s nice to meet you.” And while my husband did answer me, he looked worried and asked if we could have a longer conversation. A little small-talk prelude might have prevented his worry.
Small talk exists for a reason: to bridge the gap between not conversing and conversing. There are so many factors that determine how people communicate, and small talk is a way to feel each other out first. This gives the conversation a better chance at being successful. To skip the small talk, you either have to ignore many of those factors or make some wild assumptions and hope you’re right. People who say they don’t like small talk because it feels fake (“No one really cares how I’m doing; why do they even bother asking me?”) may not realize that the purpose of the small talk isn’t the answer, per se, but the interaction.
And for people with neurodivergence or those who just struggle when conversing, small talk can be helpful by providing a predictable script and an on-ramp to a conversation, reducing overall anxiety. I think it’s more anxiety-producing to have someone ask you a deep question out of the blue. Small talk can prevent a conversation from oversharing or veering into trauma dumping. Who hasn’t had an acquaintance tell them something catastrophic and not known how to answer?
My last case for small talk: Saying something, anything, is better than saying nothing. Small talk is designed to be a simple, bite-sized, recognizable way to connect. And we need that. We live in a world where we drive straight into our garages and close the door without ever saying hi to a neighbor. Where we are on social media for hours but are never social. Where we “talk” to people online but hardly ever do so in real life. People are lonely, and we need real, in-person connections—even if that is “just small talk.”
It depends who you’re talking to
The need for small talk depends on a variety of factors:
- Relationship: If the person is a complete stranger, like a grocery bagger, then small talk really is the best option because you don’t know anything about them and likely won’t have further interaction. However, if you’re speaking to your mom or your best friend, you can just answer the phone with “I found a lump.”
- Location: Small talk works best in light social situations in public, like a store, gym, church or school. Workplaces often prefer efficiency and may prefer less small talk. However, there is also a place for small talk in more intimate settings, like a first date or family reunion.
- Purpose: Ask yourself what the goal for the conversation is. Are you trying to have a brief positive interaction with a stranger? Feel out a connection with a potential friend or partner? Talk to an old friend? Small talk can be the entire interaction or the bridge that leads to something deeper.
- Topic: If you’re delivering emergency information, skip the small talk and spit it out. If you’re sharing bad or sad information, consider a few buffering sentences. If you’re sharing something awesome, you can probably just blurt it out. If you’re asking someone else a question, it’s probably best to warm them up first.
- Age: Older people were taught that small talk was polite and expected, so not using any may come across as rude or jarring, even if you don’t mean it that way. Similarly, many younger people find it off-putting, so if you’re looking to connect, try following their conversational lead.
The bottom line: Whether skipping the small talk comes across as rude or transactional depends mostly on your tone and your relationship with the other person.
How much small talk is actually enough
The right amount of small talk is somewhere between zero and the whole conversation. The trick is to pay attention to the cues the other person is giving you. If they seem like they’re in a hurry or withdrawing, keep small talk to a minimum. If it seems like they need more time to warm up and feel comfortable talking, add in a little more. Small talk is a learned skill, and the more you do it, the better you’ll get at spotting these cues.
Again, this number depends heavily on the above factors. For instance, an informal LinkedIn poll found that 78% of professionals want small talk limited to under two minutes in meetings.
In my opinion, a good rule of thumb across the spectrum of conversation types would be somewhere between 20 seconds and five minutes.
How to skip small talk without being a jerk about it
My experiment showed me that there really isn’t a smooth way to skip the small talk entirely. People will generally roll with you, but coming right out of the gate with “Bobarino, I need last quarter’s numbers by 2 p.m.” or “Your child can’t read and needs a tutor” is going to feel aggressive to most people unless you temper it a little. So here’s how to skip small talk the right way:
- Use a tiny bit of small talk. I know, I know. But just a quick “Hey, it’s good to see you—how’s it going?” is often enough.
- Keep your tone warm and polite.
- Use the “pivot technique” by bringing up a more casual but related topic, and then after a minute or two, pivot to the thing you really wanted to discuss.
- Check in with the other person regularly by watching for signs that they’re uncomfortable or by asking them directly.
- Allow the other person to talk. Skipping small talk isn’t an excuse to monologue at someone.
The verdict
Skipping small talk isn’t inherently rude. Small talk exists as an entry point to a conversation, and if you have a funnier, more interesting or more relevant conversation starter, then by all means use that. The difference between “great conversationalist” and “rude jerk” will be in your tone and care for the other person during the conversation.
That said, it’s also never rude to use a little bit of small talk to help everyone feel comfortable. So next time I see my gym friend, I’m going to go with “Hey, how’s your health these days? The testosterone injections still helping?”
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Sources:
- Adobe: “Adobe Future Workforce Study: What U.S. Employers Need to Know About Gen Z in the Workplace”
- Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders: “Outcomes of a Practical Approach for Improving Conversation Skills in Adults with Autism”
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: “Overly Shallow? Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation”
- ManageBetter (Substack): “Dear Lewis, When Is Small Talk Too Much?”
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