“Mom? My throat feels like I swallowed razor blades, doused them in gasoline and lit them on fire.” Then my dramatic child did what children do and coughed right in my face. It was one week before we were set to fly for a much-anticipated vacation in another state to visit family members we hadn’t seen in forever. As soon as I felt the droplets hit my face, I knew we were all doomed—her, me, the rest of the family, the folks we were visiting and maybe some of the general public.
I probably should have seen it coming. It was the first week of school, and back-to-school might as well be called back-to-flu. And sure enough, two days later, my throat also felt like I swallowed razor blades, doused them in gasoline and set them on fire. (She may have been dramatic, but she wasn’t wrong.) I did, however, manage to refrain from coughing in anyone’s face.
What should we do?
Cold and flu season creates an etiquette dilemma because getting sick isn’t a social offense or a moral failing. It’s just human. And sometimes you don’t know you’re sick until you’re already standing in someone else’s kitchen. Or you attribute feeling a little fatigued or sniffly to just being, well, a little fatigued. It literally could be nothing. That being said, there’s a big a difference between coming down with the sniffles mid-event and knowingly showing up to a four-hour indoor party while hacking up a lung like consumption is in vogue again.
So what is the polite thing to do if you feel like you’re coming down with something or you’re flat-out sick? Is it really rude to not tell someone you’re sick before you meet up? Grab a box of tissues, and let’s discuss.
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The case for telling them you’re sick
Telling people you’re sick is simply about giving them the information they need to make the decision that’s best for them. Your infectious status is important info for regular healthy people, but it’s even more important for people who really need to avoid getting sick, like people who are pregnant, very old, very young or immunocompromised. Not telling them could have terrible consequences. It is also very pertinent info for people who may be preparing for an important event like a wedding, vacation or surgery. And you likely don’t know all of those circumstances because people don’t usually preemptively announce what they can’t get sick for.
There’s a practical reason to share as well: You probably look sick. If you show up with two pockets stuffed full of tissues and a voice like Al Pacino, they’re going to know something is up. Realizing that you knew you were sick and didn’t say anything may feel like a frustration, at best, and a betrayal, at worst.
Of course, we do need to mention the friend who’s a germophobe (and you privately think is being a little ridiculous). There’s a definite temptation not to tell them because they’ll turn it into A Big Thing, but I’d say that’s even more of a reason to let them know. Anxiety often stems from a lack of information. You being matter-of-fact and honest can help allay their fears. Or they’ll cancel, but that’s their decision to make.
The important distinction here is that telling someone you’re sick isn’t the same as asking for permission. You can say, “Hey, I woke up with a head cold, and I just wanted to let you know before we met up. Totally get it if you’d rather reschedule.” Boom, done. Now they have the information, and they can decide what they feel good about doing.
The case for not telling them
There are also good reasons for not turning every sneeze into an emergency alert. Sometimes, extra information just causes extra stress, especially for people already prone to worrying about getting sick. Colds are endemic. Telling someone you have a little cold during cold season isn’t particularly surprising or unique. After all, nearly everyone is sniffling then, and they’ll be sniffling and sneezing all around you when you’re out.
Not to mention that people don’t always know when they’re contagious. You can wake up feeling completely normal, go through your day and realize at night that you have a sore throat. Maybe your sniffly nose is just allergies. Or you have a lingering cough from a cold three weeks ago that’s no longer contagious. And we’ve all had those days when we feel more tired than usual and wonder if it’s the onset of an illness or just too many churros while binge-watching The Pitt. (That last one might just be me.) At any rate, expecting someone to diagnose themselves correctly before every social occasion is a pretty high bar.
And do others really need that info about you? Privacy is a swiftly dwindling resource these days, and we should hold on to the few shreds we have left, even if those shreds are in our sinuses. Plus, for people who tend to disclose too much, feeling like you need to report all your symptoms can be a terrible type of oversharing—especially if it involves anything below the waist. People don’t want or need the play-by-play of your bathroom adventures.
The gray areas
Of course, the best etiquette advice about whether or not to tell someone you’re sick before you meet up is … it depends. On what?
- The location. Are you going to an outdoor baseball game where all those germs will get diluted in the stadium, not to mention be in a place with a whole bunch of other people harboring their own viruses? Or are you going to someone’s house, where you’ll breathe the same air for three hours?
- The event. Is this a family gathering where great-grandparents and babies will be? Or are you playing frisbee in the park with friends?
- The illness. A mild head cold is a far cry from the flu, COVID or something that requires both a garbage can and a toilet. One is a small annoyance, and the others can take people out for days—and are super contagious.
- The sick person. The dynamics change when it’s a child who is sick. Kids get sick far more often than adults, and they are not particularly hygienic or cooperative about not sneezing in other people’s eyeballs. As a parent of a sick child, you need to be open about their contagiousness too.
- Steps you are willing to take. Are you willing to mask up? Bring extra hand sanitizer? Be flexible about the location and activity? Taking responsibility for what you can control and doing your best to ameliorate that risk goes a long way in relationships.
One gray area that isn’t so gray: the idea that you already committed, so you have to go, no matter what. People sometimes feel that canceling is worse than showing up sick because “I said I’d be there.” But most hosts would rather avoid germ exposure or at least be given a heads-up about it.
So what should you actually say?
Just keep it simple. They don’t need to send a medical dissertation. Something like: “Just a heads-up that I woke up with a cold today. I’m feeling OK, but I wanted you to know before we got together. Totally understand if you’d rather reschedule.”
Or if you’re not sure whether you’re actually sick: “I have a scratchy throat today, and I’m not sure if I’m coming down with something. I feel fine otherwise, but I wanted to give you a heads-up.”
Or if you know you’re genuinely sick: “Hey, friend. I’m definitely sick, so I think we should reschedule. I’m sorry. I was really looking forward to seeing you.”
Notice that all three messages avoid pressuring the other person. You’re also not saying that it’s not a big deal and the other person shouldn’t worry about it. Give them the information, and let them decide.
What if you’re the one who shows up and discovers someone is sick?
Time to make your own personal-risk calculation. Of course, that will look different for each person. If you’re uncomfortable for any reason, it’s perfectly fine to ask to change plans—like moving things outside—or excuse yourself. No need to make a dramatic announcement or accuse them of being irresponsible.
“I’m actually trying really hard not to get sick right now. Would you mind if we reschedule?” is great.
So what happened with our trip?
Canceling the trip didn’t feel like an option—the visit was too important. Neither my daughter nor I had a particularly serious illness (we tested negative for both COVID and the flu), and no one involved was elderly or immunocompromised. But my husband and I agreed that we needed to tell our family before we showed up. They weren’t thrilled, but they still wanted us to come. So we wore masks on the airplane and in common areas, stayed in a hotel instead of their house and changed several of our activities to be outdoors.
And you know what? The trip turned out great. Everyone had a wonderful time, in large part because nobody was surprised when we showed up sick.
The verdict
Yes, it’s rude not to tell someone you’re sick before you meet up … if your illness could reasonably change whether someone wants to see you. Not every circumstance will require a disclosure, but as a general rule of thumb, this is information that’s polite to share. If they opt to reschedule, don’t take it personally. But if they want to see you anyway, do your best to minimize germ exposure. And if you know you’re sick sick—or you’re going to be around people who are especially vulnerable—consider canceling or changing the plans rather than putting others in the uncomfortable position of deciding for you.
The etiquette isn’t about whether you got sick; it’s about giving people enough information to decide whether they want to spend the afternoon with you and whatever microscopic hitchhikers you’ve brought along.
As for my daughter’s razor-blades-on-fire throat? We both recovered, our family survived the trip, and nobody else got sick. Which proves that sometimes a little honesty, a few precautions and a healthy respect for other people’s lungs can go a long way. Although I still maintain that “my throat feels like I swallowed razor blades and lit them on fire” was an unnecessarily elaborate way to ask for a popsicle.
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