Ten years ago, at the height of blogging, I had a charming little corner of the internet where I documented my life with photos, anecdotes and way too many overshares. I met so many incredible people that way, and it felt warm and community-y and good—until it wasn’t.
I got a stalker. A real one. He turned out to be a convicted felon who sent me hundreds of pages of creepy notes along with a photo of my children’s school. I’d like to say I handled it with grace and equanimity. I did not. I handled it with a lot of panic-deleting at 2 a.m. while stress-eating cereal directly from the box. Police got involved, and I lost my entire cheerful little digital scrapbook, along with my internet innocence.
Since then, I post maybe a handful of family photos a year and keep a careful eye on what information about me is floating around out there. I still post a lot online about myself professionally. But I rarely post anything personal, don’t post where I am specifically and almost never post about my children.
So, when a group of friends and I went out to dinner recently, and someone whipped out a phone for group shots, I did what I normally do and politely asked them not to post pictures of me—or, if they really wanted to, to please crop me out first.
One friend, who updates her Instagram daily, took it personally and accused me of censoring her. She grudgingly posted the photo with me cropped out, captioning it: “Not pictured: the one friend who doesn’t want to be seen with us (she knows who she is).” That stung. It isn’t true; I love those friends. But it also got me thinking: Is it rude to post a photo of someone without asking first?
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The case for asking first
Photos feel casual in the moment but have a surprisingly long shelf life. Once an image is online, it’s effectively permanent. Screenshots exist. Metadata exists. Weird uncles who are rarely online but somehow always see the one photo you wished they hadn’t also exist.
That’s not paranoia; it’s digital reality. Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University demonstrated that by using facial recognition software on the photo of a stranger (someone they’d never met, just spotted on the street or on a dating site), they could work backward through social media to identify that person’s name, location, interests and even, in some cases, their social security number. Starting from nothing but a face. And that study is from 2011.
Since then, the tech has gotten exponentially better. For just one example, in 2023, Clearview AI admitted to scraping over 30 billion images from social media to help build its highly accurate facial recognition database—largely from photos people thought they were just sharing with friends.
Your innocent dinner shot doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It exists in a vast, searchable, permanent vacuum with excellent facial recognition software. Beyond the surveillance-industrial complex (casual!), there are plenty of everyday reasons people might not want to be in a photo. They could be going through a breakup. They might be dealing with a health issue. They might be in witness protection. They might just have a deranged-looking smile in every photo ever taken of them. All valid. None of your business to override.
The case for just posting it
Here’s the other side, and it’s a big, practical one: We live in a world where photographing everything has become completely normal. When you go to a party, a concert or even the library, you’re not entering a photograph-free zone—and you know it.
If everyone needed permission from every person in the background of a group shot, social media would grind to a halt. You’d need consent forms at every gathering, a notary at every birthday party and a legal team on retainer just to post a brunch photo.
I hate that the argument boils down to “everyone does it” and “it’s too much of a pain to fight”—but that’s what it is, and it’s good etiquette to consider both kindness and practicality. You cannot expect to never be photographed and still participate in normal life. (Fun fact: Recording people in public places is completely legal.)
The variables
As with most etiquette questions, this one comes down to “It depends.” A fun group photo is very different from a candid shot where someone looks terrible and had no idea the photo was being taken. (“But you look so natural!” is not a compliment if “natural” means “like a Victorian ghost who just got bad news while chewing with her mouth open.”)
The relationship matters too—your best friend of 20 years is different from a work contact or new acquaintance. And the platform matters as well. A private post on Instagram is meaningfully different from a public one on TikTok or—heaven help us all—from a Facebook group your entire extended family is in. (Note: When it comes to kids, the etiquette shifts from gray area to bright line. If it’s not your child, ask. Full stop.)
The verdict
Is it rude to post a photo of someone without asking? It depends, but not as much as the “just post it” crowd would like to believe. For casual, flattering group photos posted to a private account among people you know well: You probably have some leeway. For photos clearly centered on an individual, posted publicly or involving anyone who has expressed any hesitation: Ask first. It takes two seconds to send a “Hey, OK to post this?” text.
And if someone asks you to take a photo down, just do it. No caveats, no guilt trips, no martyred sighing. The photo will still live on your camera roll. Your memory of the evening will be unchanged. And what will also remain—or not, depending on how you handle it—is your friendship.
If you’re the person who, like me, would rather not be posted? Know that you’re not being difficult or a paranoid weirdo whose next stop is a cabin without electricity. You’re exercising a reasonable boundary about your own digital footprint. That isn’t antisocial; it’s just self-aware. And if my asking nicely still ends up as someone’s passive-aggressive caption someday? Well, at least I’ll be cropped out.
Have a social situation you can’t stop ruminating on? Email us at advice@tmbi.com, or message Charlotte on Instagram at @CharlotteHiltonAndersen.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
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