When I signed up for an online course, I wasn’t looking for new friends. I had just returned from my first trip to Jordan, and I was so inspired to share stories about a region often misrepresented in the media that I decided to make a career change from working in the travel industry to writing full-time. I needed to learn the business side of freelance writing quickly, so I joined a crash course. That’s when Jenna, another participant, popped into my inbox.
I initially had the urge to duck under my desk. (Sorry, Jenna! It wasn’t you; it was me.) But Jenna’s enthusiasm and kindness quickly won me over. And before I knew it, we’d gone from virtual strangers to online besties. Despite the distance and time zones between us, we checked in regularly. Our conversations evolved from providing coursework feedback and sharing industry contacts to swapping stories about our families and divulging our deepest secrets.
That was almost 10 years ago, and against all odds, Jenna and I are still great friends. In fact, I’d count her among my best friends—despite never meeting in person. She’s often one of the first people I share good or bad news with, and she knows more about me than most others in my life.
I realize we may not be the norm. A recent report from the Survey Center on American Life revealed that Americans spend more than 10 hours per day on the internet, yet only 8% report making a close friend online. But we are proof that it’s possible and worth exploring, especially when we’re living in what researchers have dubbed “the friendship recession.”
“Most of us are lonely, and most of us need more relationships,” says Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert focused on the science of connection and the chief friendship officer for the U.S. Chamber of Connection. “Being able to add some that are long-distance or online is such a great opportunity for us to share different parts of ourselves and have a different relational experience.”
Read on for some of the benefits of online friendships and tips on how to find—and keep—your own.
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Why can online friendships work so well?
Online friendships can work well because they often stem from a shared interest or identity, and unlike in-person friendships, they aren’t limited by location. “We are gravitating to people with whom we have a shared identity or something where we feel this person just gets us,” Nelson says.
Because Jenna and I met through a career-related course, we already had a lot in common. Facing similar challenges and triumphs in our industry, we have an understanding that other people in our lives may not, and we’ve strengthened our connection as we’ve brainstormed, vented and cheered each other on.
And scheduling meetups is never a hindrance … because we never meet up! “These relationships work really well because they’re asynchronous, which means we can engage with each other when it works for us timing-wise,” Nelson says. “We don’t have to schedule time together, which means that we don’t have to work on the planning and the driving and getting the babysitter and figuring out where we’re meeting. So we have this opportunity to interact more often.”
I talk to my online bestie far more frequently than I talk to friends who live down the street. Jenna and I go through phases: For a while, we’ll chat online every day; other times, we might go a couple of weeks between replies. But it doesn’t change our relationship—it’s always “to be continued” with us.
This is especially important for people like me who are often living or traveling abroad in other time zones. “Our lives don’t get in the way of our relationships that are online,” Nelson says. “Somebody can have another baby, they can move, life can happen. And yet, as long as they’re still on their computer or on their phone, they’re still able to interact.”
Something else that makes online friendships appealing? They can feel less daunting to start and end, if it comes to that. “It’s easier to say goodbye online versus a contentious or awkward in-person conversation,” explains therapist Alyssa Mairanz, the owner and executive director of Empower Your Mind Therapy.
Can they be just as beneficial as in-person friendships?
It depends on your situation and how you participate online. “Some studies indicate online friendships are less effective at curing loneliness than face-to-face connections,” Mairanz says. “A lack of physicality can be a hindrance to creating a strong emotional bond.”
Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the New York Times bestselling author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, echoed this point. “There’s that instrumental part of friendship where someone’s helping us out in person, like picking us up from the airport or accompanying us to a doctor’s appointment, that online friendships can’t do. But,” she adds, “that’s not to say online friendships can’t benefit us and be quite powerful.”
For some people, such as digital nomads, those with disabilities or social anxiety, caregivers (who have limited time to socialize in person) or members of a marginalized group, online friendships can facilitate connections that might not otherwise be possible. The key is in how we approach our relationships and interact online. “Research finds that heavy social media users are either the most or the least lonely people, depending on whether that social media use facilitates or gets in the way of in-person connections,” Franco says.
Research has shown that when you use social media to reach out in meaningful ways, it can be beneficial. “Using the online world as a tool to build connections can be really helpful, as long as we’re not using the online world to be a spectator in our connections. If you use social media passively to just sort of scroll, scroll, scroll, that’s actually leading to more loneliness and poor mental health,” she says. “We still need to engage and interact.”
You may even find yourself sharing more with your online friends. “Some people feel safer to discuss intimate or private concerns, which can create stronger bonds online versus in person,” Mairanz says.
I’ve also found that the lack of social overlap in my and Jenna’s day-to-day lives has made it easier to divulge personal details without worrying that something will get back to the people in my network. “There’s a lot more self-disclosure often happening in our long-distance or online relationships,” Nelson says.
How do you find friends online and develop a solid friendship?
Finding and keeping online friendships requires some effort, as any worthwhile relationship would! Consider where the type of friends you’re looking for might be online, then don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Here’s how to get started—and keep things going.
Find common ground
Go where you love to hang out online, Nelson says. “Follow the passions, interests and parts of your identity that feel meaningful,” she suggests.
This might be a social media group or an online class on a topic you’re interested in. “In that space, look for the people who leave you feeling seen, accepted, inspired, hopeful or whatever that positive word is that you want,” Nelson says. “We’re going to gravitate to the people who we feel are taking the time to share who they are and receive who we are, and leave us both feeling good.”
Go on, engage
Once you’ve found a place online to hang out and have noticed some people you’d like to get to know better, message them. “Tell them what you like about them,” Nelson says. “Create that one-on-one opportunity to interact.”
I can’t take the credit for making the first move in my online friendship. That was all Jenna!
If the feelings are mutual and a friendship starts to blossom, nurture it. “Prioritize regular communication once developing the friendship,” Mairanz says. Jenna and I have kept our relationship going by regularly chatting; sharing challenges, wins, laughs and job opportunities; and supporting each other through trying times. Because we’ve been so consistent, if one of us does go quiet for a longer-than-usual period of time, we always check to see if the other person is OK or needs support.
Be vulnerable and consistent
A deeper relationship requires deeper interactions. “Make sure you are honest and open,” Mairanz says. “Vulnerability strengthens interpersonal relationships.”
Nelson agrees. “Our relationships are made up of good feelings, like feeling supported, inspired, accepted and loved,” she explains. “They’re also made up of a sense of consistency, like time together, reliability, a sense that we have each other, that we’re building history. And then that third category, vulnerability, is where we feel seen, known and understood. So those three things can happen in person, and they can happen online.”
Express appreciation
Don’t forget to tell your online friends what they mean to you, especially if you can’t show your gratitude in person. “When we look into the research on establishing friendships with folks that are online, it’s the same criteria of friendships in person, such that sharing affection leads to a closer connection,” Franco says. “So telling your online friend how much they mean to you—that contributes to depth in a friendship.”
Are there any downsides to these friendships?
Studies have shown that in-person interactions and physical connection can trigger dopamine, reduce stress, improve mental health and possibly even boost our immune system. The research says digital-only friendships may not offer the same benefits. And if we aren’t practicing in-person social skills, we can get rusty (though balancing online and in-person relationships can keep your social skills sharp).
Another challenge is that we can’t help out in emergencies or attend important life events. “We are missing out on the tangible ways of being in relationship with each other, being able to show up for the hard things, celebrate and make memories with people,” Nelson says.
We also may not meet each other’s loved ones. “Sometimes these [online] relationships might feel a little bit more like a separate relationship that’s really, really meaningful but not necessarily woven into our lives,” Nelson says. I find this part of online friendships to be emotionally jarring; I’m sometimes hit with a twinge of sadness, wishing one of the most important people in my life were with me.
But ultimately, I feel the benefits of a long-term online friendship far outweigh the drawbacks. Sure, it would be nice to catch up with Jenna over a cup of coffee, drop by with soup when she’s sick or attend her kids’ birthday parties. But over the years, we have found ways to be there for each other beyond just words on a screen.
That’s the part I think the studies might be missing: her ordering me dinner delivery when I was going through a tough time. Me mailing her a book for encouragement when she was overwhelmed by life’s obligations. Her introducing me to her brother when I needed a good accountant. I can think of dozens more examples, but the point is that even though we can’t be there in person, we always find ways to show up, encourage and include each other in our lives.
Is the end goal to eventually meet up?
For some people, maybe. But our nearly 10-year-long online friendship is proof that an in-person meet-up isn’t required for a meaningful friendship.
“Whether a relationship is in person, hybrid or online, what we’re looking for is: Does this person leave me feeling seen? Does this person leave me feeling like I can rely on them and trust them? Does this person leave me feeling satisfied and accepted?” Nelson says. And equally important: Are we doing the same for them? “If we can answer yes,” she says, “then those are really meaningful friendships.”
When we first met online, Jenna and I assumed we’d meet in person at some point. But we’ve never really pushed or planned for it. After all, remember that one of the reasons online friendships can work so well is because they tend to be asynchronous and there’s no pressure to coordinate schedules! For much of our friendship, I’ve been a digital nomad living and traveling around the world, and Jenna’s also a full-time writer, as well as a wife and mother of four children under the age of 7. We are both very busy, and there are always thousands of miles—and sometimes literal oceans—between us.
So we haven’t met in person yet. But with us both working on our first books, we’ve joked that our inaugural meetup might be on a book tour or a red carpet. Because we know that when we realize our lifelong goals, we’ll want to celebrate with someone who has been by our side—virtually—all along.
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For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Shasta Nelson, friendship expert, author and chief friendship officer for the U.S. Chamber of Connection; interviewed, April 2026
- Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC-D, CDBT, therapist and owner of Empower Your Mind Therapy; interviewed, April 2026
- Marisa G. Franco, psychologist, human connection expert and New York Times bestselling author; interviewed, April 2026
- Optimum: “The Digital Day: New Survey Reveals Americans Spend Over 10 Hours Online”
- National Library of Medicine: “Intimate disclosure in online‐only friendships predicts adolescents’ depressive symptoms”
- National Library of Medicine: “Social Networking Site Use and Loneliness: A Meta-Analysis”
- National Library of Medicine: “Comparing the Happiness Effects of Real and On-Line Friends”
- National Library of Medicine: “Face-to-face more important than digital communication for mental health during the pandemic”
- Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: “Less in-person social interaction with peers among U.S. adolescents in the 21st century and links to loneliness”
- Computers in Human Behavior Reports: “In-person and virtual social interactions improve well-being during the COVID-19 pandemic”
- APA PsychNet: “Contemporary friendships and social vulnerability among youth: Understanding the role of online and offline contexts of interaction in friendship quality”
- Survey Center on American Life: “The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss”
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