It’s not like Andrew McCarthy didn’t have any close male friends. The actor just rarely saw them. Or talked to them. Or involved them in his day-to-day life.
So when his son Sam called him out one day at the kitchen table about his lack of connections, McCarthy was shaken to his core. “It had been so long without having these active friendships,” he says. “These guys were instrumental to me when I was a young guy. Then they all moved away, and I was the last one standing.”
So he got moving … and writing. And in Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America (out March 24), he shows just what friends are for. In the book, McCarthy, who’s authored four other nonfiction works, travels nearly 10,000 miles to talk to men—from cowboys to blues musicians to teenagers—about their male friendships. He also meets up with some of his own long-lost pals.
“I didn’t plan to do it all at one time—it just evolved that way,” he says. “I would approach random dudes on the street or in gas stations and restaurants and ask, ‘Will you talk to me about your friends?’ They all looked at me like I was nuts, but not a single guy said no to me. And, invariably, they all just wanted to keep talking.”
That’s an even bigger feat considering that none of the interviewees were Gen X women who once crushed on him. McCarthy, after all, initially came into the spotlight thanks to roles in hit ’80s films like St. Elmo’s Fire, Pretty in Pink, Less Than Zero, Mannequin and Weekend at Bernie’s. Aside from writing and acting, he’s also been directing films and TV series (such as Gossip Girl and The Blacklist) for decades. Most notably, he revisited his Brat Pack roots in the 2024 documentary Brats.
Ever a man in motion—Brat Pack inside joke!—McCarthy Zooms in from Ireland, where he’s performing in a stage production of The Crucible, to bond with Reader’s Digest.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Reader’s Digest: What’s your official theory as to why so many men don’t have close friends?
Andrew McCarthy: It’s a topic that guys don’t deal with or want to talk about. In the 19th century, men had very intimate friendships and were very demonstrative, physically and emotionally, with each other. But somewhere around World War II, that was done. John Wayne took over. You carry your own water and hold your tongue. So guys are just not good at opening themselves up and being vulnerable in that way, because vulnerability is equated, of course, with weakness. And the one thing a guy can never be is weak. So there’s that. And the word intimacy is also another terrifying buzzword.
Reader’s Digest: So it’s an alpha male thing?
Andrew McCarthy: Oh, I talked to all sorts of men. I met a Mormon preacher in Utah, and it took him awhile to confess that he didn’t have any friends. And my next-door neighbor is a real alpha dude, and he’s got tons of buds and he’s always out there. So I don’t think there’s a certain type.
Reader’s Digest: What about you? Did you not stay friends with any of your co-stars from back in the day?
Andrew McCarthy: It wasn’t as easy as it is now. Back then, we were all very young and scared and competitive and trying to just get the next job. They’re all great and fun, but my friends [who know my children] have always been largely outside of show business. But it is ironic that I’m a solitary person and yet I was grouped with this pack forever. But when I went back [for Brats], I was shocked how much affection we all had for each other in a way that we didn’t when we were younger.
Reader’s Digest: Would you refer to them as friends now?
Andrew McCarthy: I feel much closer to them now. I text with Rob [Lowe] and Emilio [Estevez] fairly frequently. There’s so much water over the dam now. We went through something that only a select amount of people could understand.
Reader’s Digest: In general, is it harder for guys to make friends now because social media is such a crutch?
Andrew McCarthy: I don’t know if that’s a particular influencer. Guys of my age came of age without that stuff—and older men, in particular, have a lot of trouble with friendship. A guy gets married and their wife becomes their confidante and they get busy with their children. And they work. So the role of a friendship just gets smaller and smaller.
Reader’s Digest: Don’t a lot of women have these responsibilities too? And they have friends.
Andrew McCarthy: Yeah, my wife is wildly social. She’ll call her friends and say, “Let’s go get coffee.” I don’t think I’ve ever said that to a guy. They’re more likely to play a round of golf together. But that can be valuable and important too because it’s a way to bond.
Reader’s Digest: How do you know when you’re friends with someone? Is it a round of golf?
Andrew McCarthy: It’s all different. You can make that date to go golfing—and by the 12th hole, you might just go, “You know, this happened … ” And suddenly you’re standing there and talking about it. One day, I was making a basketball hoop in the back for my kid. I’m a terrible DIY guy. And my neighbor poked his head over the fence and said, “You need a hand there?” He helped me, and four hours later, we were friends. So a bonding experience can help initiate that.
Reader’s Digest: What are the qualities of a true friendship?
Andrew McCarthy: I asked a lot of people, “What word would you use to find the most important quality in friendship?” And most people said trust. But I would say it’s a feeling of safety. Safety encompasses trust, but it’s a little more than that: You have to feel like you’re in the right space to confide in someone and have that person reply, “I know what you mean … ”
Reader’s Digest: So what’s your top advice for a guy looking to make friends?
Andrew McCarthy: Get this book! You can say, “Did you read this book?” And then the next person says, “Yes, I read this book too. It’s really interesting!” When certain guys can talk about something outside of themselves, it really is much easier to find a place of identification. Then they can slowly come around to more personal topics and conversations. That’s why it’s good to put the focus on an activity like golfing. But I’m no expert—that’s why I was driving across the country!
Reader’s Digest: Then let’s get to the big question: Why do males need friends?
Andrew McCarthy: If you’re a female, you don’t want to be a guy’s entire support system and the only one he talks to. We all need friends in our lives because we’re all better people when we can say to somebody, “Hey … ” We should be able to communicate the important stuff and the stupid stuff.
Rapid response with Andrew McCarthy
Reader’s Digest: Time for some rapid-fire questions. Dog or cat?
Andrew McCarthy: It’s complicated. I used to be a cat person, but then I became allergic to cats. Now we have the most beautiful English golden retriever, who is the nicest person I’ve ever met. So I have to go with the dog.
Reader’s Digest: Window or aisle?
Andrew McCarthy: Oh, aisle.
Reader’s Digest: Favorite junk food?
Andrew McCarthy: McDonald’s.
Reader’s Digest: Favorite time of the day?
Andrew McCarthy: Very early morning.
Reader’s Digest: What book is on your nightstand?
Andrew McCarthy: I’m reading a book called Through a Glass, Darkly by Helen McCloy. It was written in 1950, and it’s really interesting.
Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America by Andrew McCarthy is out now.
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