Is It Really Rude to Tell Someone Who Asks Why You’re Not Drinking That It’s None of Their Business?
In Reader’s Digest‘s new series “Is It Really Rude to…,” Charlotte Hilton Andersen tackles low-stakes etiquette questions from everyday life using a combination of her common sense and vast knowledge from writing 50-plus etiquette stories for this site. Have a situation you can’t stop ruminating on? Email us at advice@tmbi.com, or message Charlotte on Instagram at @charlottehiltonandersen.
I was at a friend’s birthday party recently, holding my soda and minding my own business, when another guest—let’s call her Tipsy Tina, because she was several glasses of wine into the evening—loudly announced that she “won’t even talk to me” if I’m not drinking and that I’m “no fun.”
In front of everyone.
At a birthday party.
She then informed the group that it was “really weird” that I’m an adult who doesn’t drink, not even a “tiny sip of champagne for a toast,” and demanded I give her a good reason why I don’t drink. I stood there, face burning, trying to decide if the appropriate response was to explain myself, laugh it off or simply evaporate into the cheese platter. (I do a lot of yoga. I’m confident I could fit inside a Brie wheel if I really committed.) Instead, I stood there for a few awkward moments, fighting back tears as everyone stared, and then quietly said my goodbyes to the birthday girl and left early. That party? I probably should have known better. And that friendship? Let’s just say it didn’t survive the hangover.
It’s true, I don’t drink. Ever. I have my reasons, and I’m not going to detail them here, because that’s exactly the point. I shouldn’t have to present a notarized list of acceptable excuses to enjoy a party while holding a ginger ale.
And yet, the number of times I’ve been interrogated about my drink choices by other adults—friends, co-workers, random wedding guests—is genuinely wild. “Why not?” “Not even one?” “Are you pregnant?!” “Just taste it!” “Come on, live a little!” Some people even seem personally insulted by my choice, as if my choosing not to drink is saying they are bad for partaking. (I do not think that, by the way. I prefer to leave judging other humans for normal life choices to reality shows.)
Which brings me to the etiquette question at hand: Do you owe someone an explanation for your drinking habits? And is it really rude to tell them it’s none of their business?
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The case for keeping it classy
Look, I get it. The person asking usually isn’t trying to be invasive. They might be:
- Making conversation (badly)
- Feeling self-conscious about their own drinking and wanting company
- Genuinely confused because they’ve never considered that adults can simply opt out of alcohol
- Already a few drinks in and lacking their usual social filter (the irony is not lost on me)
In most cases, a breezy “Oh, I’m just not in the mood tonight!” or “I’m driving!” is enough to end the conversation. Social lubrication doesn’t require actual lubrication. A polite deflection keeps the peace and lets everyone move on to more pressing party matters, like whether the dip is spinach-artichoke or just green disappointment. The etiquette experts I’ve talked to about this in the past all generally agree that the kindest first response to a rude question is a light redirect. You’re not obligated to explain yourself, but you also shouldn’t go nuclear on someone who made an awkward-but-not-malicious comment.
The case for “none of your business”
BUT. But.
Here’s what the “just be polite” crowd doesn’t always acknowledge: Sometimes people don’t stop asking. Sometimes they push. Sometimes they make a public spectacle of your beverage choices at someone’s birthday party while wearing a wine-stained cardigan and pointing at you like you’ve just announced you don’t believe in birthdays.
And the uncomfortable truth about why the “Why aren’t you drinking?” question can be so loaded is that people don’t drink for all kinds of reasons. They might be pregnant (and not ready to announce it). They might be on medication. They might be in recovery from addiction. They might have religious convictions. They might have watched alcohol destroy their family. Or they might just not like how it makes them feel. Any of these might be painful, private or simply none of the asker’s business. When someone pushes past a polite deflection, they’re essentially demanding you either lie or disclose something deeply personal to satisfy their curiosity. At that point, “I’d rather not discuss it” isn’t rude—it’s a boundary.
The “just pretend you’re drinking” industrial complex
If you’ve ever Googled how to handle this situation, you’ve encountered The Advice. You know the one. “Just order a sparkling water with lime and let everyone assume it’s a vodka soda!” “Accept the champagne and quietly dump it in a potted plant when no one’s looking!” “Carry around an empty wine glass all night, and no one will ask questions!”
I have received this advice approximately 9,000 times, and I have thoughts. First of all, I am not a spy. I am a middle-aged woman at a party. I should not need an extraction plan and a cover story to survive appetizers. Second—and I cannot stress this enough—why should I have to be deceptive about this choice? The fact that the most common solution to “people won’t respect my decision not to drink” is “elaborately trick them into thinking you’re drinking” says something pretty broken about our social expectations. I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to skulk around parties like a prohibition-era bootlegger in reverse, pouring perfectly good champagne into a ficus. (Also, that’s how you get fruit flies. And a dead ficus.)
The problem isn’t that I need better camouflage. The problem is that “no thank you” should be enough.
What my friends think
I polled my Instagram followers on this one (from which Tipsy Tina has been notably absent), and the responses were illuminating. Of the 214 responses, 80% said it’s not rude to refuse to give an explanation, 12% said it’s more polite to give a vague explanation and 5% said this is why white lies were invented. (The other 3% said I was rude.)
Here are some of my favorite comments:
“The first ask is curiosity. The second ask is rude. There should not be a third ask,” said my friend Sarah, who has very clear numerical rules about everything, including how many times you’re allowed to ask someone to help you move (once) and whether it’s acceptable to text “k” as a complete response (never).
My friend Marc pointed out that the drinking question is uniquely invasive: “Nobody interrogates you about why you’re not eating shrimp at the party. Why is alcohol different?”
Another friend, who is in recovery and asked not to be named, put it more bluntly: “I’ve had people literally put drinks in my hand after I said no. The pushiness around alcohol is unhinged.”
And Sam made me laugh: “You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but getting creative with the white lies is way more fun.”
What to do if someone pushes you to drink
Here’s the real-world etiquette math:
- If someone asks once, politely: A light deflection (“Not tonight!” “I’m good with this, thanks!”) is the graceful move.
- If someone asks twice or pushes: A firmer “I just don’t, and I’d rather not get into it” is completely appropriate. Pair your comment with a subject change and a confident pivot to literally anything else. “Anyway, have you tried the spinach dip? I have concerns.”
- If someone makes a scene, publicly shames you or won’t drop it: You have full social permission to say “That’s actually pretty personal” or “I’m not going to discuss this,” and then walk away. Toward the cheese platter. You’ve earned it.
The person who escalates a beverage preference into a confrontation is the one being rude—not you for declining to perform your medical history at a cocktail party.
Also worth noting: If you’re the one doing the asking, please consider just … not. If someone’s not drinking, they’re not drinking. They don’t need tips on how to “just relax” or assurances that “one won’t hurt.” Offer them a soda, tell them you love their shoes, ask about their kids or their job or their thoughts on the spinach-dip situation, and move on with your life.
The verdict
Is it rude to tell someone it’s none of their business why you’re not drinking? Not if they’ve pushed past a polite deflection. You’re not obligated to explain, justify or apologize for what’s in your cup—or what isn’t. “No thanks” is a complete sentence. So is “I don’t drink.” Neither requires a footnote.
That said, if you can shut it down with a breezy redirect first, that’s usually the smoothest path forward. Save the “none of your business” for the Tipsy Tinas of the world who won’t take a hint, and then deploy it without guilt. Some people are genuinely clueless rather than malicious, and a little grace goes a long way. But grace has limits. And so does your obligation to explain yourself to someone who thinks your soda is a topic for public debate.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over by the cheese platter. With my ginger ale. Openly.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
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