During conversations with a particularly verbose friend, I’ve often realized I haven’t really been listening. She’ll ask me a question, my wandering mind will suddenly snap back to the present, and I’ll have no idea how to respond. My instinct is to cover up my mistake and pretend I heard what she said, but is that really the best strategy? It seems I need to learn how to be a better listener.
We’ve probably all had a similar experience in which we’ve heard the words coming out of someone’s mouth without fully appreciating or understanding their meaning. “Often, we reflexively build solutions or tune out when we feel we’ve ‘heard it all before,’ causing us to miss vital nuances,” says conversation expert Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk. “Instead, practice staying fully present to absorb every word.”
As a repeat offender, I asked Fine for some advice on listening. Read on to learn how to talk to anyone and truly give them your full attention.
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Why being a good listener matters
Zoning out mid-chat is a rude conversation habit, regardless of whether you’re speaking with a spouse, friend, co-worker, family member or someone else. But learning how to be a better listener is about more than being polite—it’s crucial for effective communication. If you’re not really listening, it’s likely they’re not either, which means you both have a greater chance of misunderstanding or misinterpreting each other.
You and your conversational partner might not even realize this is happening. In a 2024 study, even though listeners’ minds wandered nearly a quarter (24%) of the time, speakers still thought they were truly being heard. In other words, we are very good at faking it.
Another reason to learn how to be a better listener: According to a 2022 study, you’re more likely to have others be receptive to your ideas, even when they disagree with you, if you give indications you’re actively listening and willing to engage with their views as well.
The different types of listening
When you hear what someone is saying but don’t give it your full attention (the sort of thing you might do while making small talk), you’re using passive listening. Contrast that with how you act in important conversations: You engage closely with the speaker’s words and demonstrate that you understand—what’s known as active listening.
Active listening has three aspects:
- Cognitive listening: This is using your thinking brain to process the meaning of what the speaker is saying.
- Behavioral listening: This is using your body language and facial expressions to show you’re engaged in the conversation.
- Emotional listening: This refers to interpreting the feelings and intent behind the speaker’s message and beyond each word’s meaning. It requires you to be aware of your own feelings in response.
How to be a better listener
Active listening is a skill, which means you can get better at it with practice. Below, Fine spells out the steps to take to level up your listening ability.
1. Reduce distractions
Before anything else, make sure you’re not distracted by other things going on around you. That’ll help you give the speaker your undivided attention. Silence your phone and put it face down, turn off the TV and make sure you’re in a quiet room.
Maintaining attention can be harder for some people than others. “If you’re struggling to stay focused, try a mental trick, like translating their words into a second language, to keep your brain sharp,” Fine says. If you’re not bilingual, even repeating it to yourself in English can help.
2. Control fidgeting
For some people, such as those with ADHD, fidgeting can actually help with self-regulation (managing thoughts, emotions and behaviors) and keep focus. But in important conversations, it may come off as if you’re not paying attention. “Subconscious habits can appear as nervousness or a lack of focus,” Fine says.
If fidgeting helps you concentrate, avoid knee bouncing or pen clicking. Instead, be intentional and use a discreet fidget tool, such as a ring, bracelet or silent, click-free pen.
3. Keep eye contact
Scanning the room can make a speaker feel you’re not really listening, as if there’s something more interesting happening around you. Looking away from them might also seem to indicate you’re afraid of what they’re going to say next. “Aim for steady eye contact, ideally 60% to 70% of the time, to exude confidence,” Fine says. More than that might seem as if you’re staring too intensely.
Eye contact can be challenging for some people who are neurodiverse, such as those with autism; unfortunately, others might not always realize this. If eye contact is difficult for you, you can try looking at another facial feature, such as their nose.
4. Stop building responses in your head
We’re often so concerned about how the conversation is going that instead of actively listening, we’re thinking about what we’re going to say next. But this bad habit can backfire because you may miss important information.
“The most effective way to improve your listening is to commit to not formulating a reply while others are speaking,” Fine says. “It takes real discipline to stop your brain from building a comeback while someone else is talking. Just like hitting the gym or practicing an instrument, it gets easier with time.”
Before you begin to think of a response, make sure the other person has finished. It’s OK to briefly pause afterward to then form your response.
5. Wait for your turn to talk
If you’re an extrovert, you may sometimes be so eager to share your thoughts that the person you’re talking to may feel as if you’re cutting them off when you jump in. And introverts, you may be so afraid of an awkward silence that you reply too early. So how can you know when it’s really your turn to talk?
“A great pro tip for knowing when it’s your turn: Wait for a lull, or simply ask, ‘Is there anything else on your mind?’ It shows you’re more interested in their message than your own response,” Fine says.
6. Give verbal cues
Although you should avoid the bad habits of conversational narcissists, such as interrupting or talking over someone, it’s a good idea to sprinkle in some brief verbal confirmations that you’re listening.
“Keep the conversation moving with short verbal affirmations,” Fine says. “Using phrases like ‘right,’ ‘uh-huh’ or ‘tell me more’ provides a social green light, proving you’re engaged and focused on their message.”
Fine gives examples of more verbal interjections that:
- Indicate understanding: “Hmm, I see.” This shows you’re “taking it all in,” Fine says.
- Respond positively: “How interesting!” or “What an accomplishment!” This makes the speaker feel good.
- Empathize: “That must have been tough,” “Sure sounds frustrating” or “What an ordeal!” Phrases like these make the speaker feel heard.
7. Repeat what the speaker said
Even better than just using small utterances is actually repeating or paraphrasing the speaker’s words. No need to find the perfect thing to say—just bouncing back what they said is enough. In addition to letting the speaker know you heard and understand them, this helps your brain remember the conversation. As an added bonus, you can then use the recollected information later on in the conversation, which reinforces that you were listening, or even in a future conversation.
8. Ask questions
When responding, it’s tempting to give a story of your own or otherwise place yourself into the conversation. But that’s not necessary, and it’s often not as effective for actively listening as asking follow-up questions. This serves both to clarify what the speaker said and show that you’re curious about it.
Fine gives these examples, if you want to show you’re interested in:
- Hearing more: “What was that like for you?”
- Clarifying what they mean: “I’m not sure I am clear on your feelings about …” or “What did you mean when you said …?”
- Expanding on their idea: “Along the same line, do you think …?” or “What is the optimum goal?”
- Diverging from their idea: “On the other hand, what do you think about …” or “What’s the downside?”
- Probing the topic: “Why do you think this is the case?” or “How did you decide …?” or “What proof do you have?”
- Seeking specifics: “Can you give me an example?”
- Seeking generalities: “What’s the big picture here?”
- Reviewing past events: “What happened first?”
- Looking to the future: “What do you think will happen next?”
9. Use body language
You might not realize what body language you’re using or how it’s coming across to others. “Body language often operates subconsciously, meaning many people are unaware of the signals they project,” Fine says. “Mastering this nonverbal layer of communication requires both self-awareness and a nuanced understanding of others.”
One way to show you’re listening with your body is by using “active presence.” “Instead of leaning back, which can signal disinterest, pitch forward slightly to show engagement,” Fine says.
Adopting an “open” posture also helps. “Avoid crossing arms or legs, which can create a defensive barrier,” she says. “Keeping your body open and feet pointed toward the speaker subconsciously signals that you are receptive and want to be there.”
Be aware of how any signals may be misinterpreted. “Introversion or shyness is frequently mistaken for arrogance or aloofness: For example, a ‘lifted chin’ can be a sign of pride, but it can also be a defensive posture for someone feeling vulnerable,” Fine says. Avoid signs that you’re uncomfortable, like gripping your hands.
Because it’s so easy to misconstrue body language, use multiple forms of nonverbal communication instead of a single gesture. “Groups of signals—such as posture and facial expressions—provide a clearer picture,” Fine says. In turn, she suggests giving your conversational partner the benefit of the doubt when interpreting their stance. “Because body language can be ambiguous, always prioritize emotional intelligence: If someone avoids eye contact, they may be overwhelmed rather than uninterested,” she says. “Practice ‘showing grace’ by staying curious and open until you have more context.”
10. Be honest if you can’t hear or if it’s not a good time to talk
In my initial example, in which I faked that I’d been listening to my friend instead of copping to inattention, I should have just been up-front. The same applies if it’s not a good time to talk or if you simply couldn’t hear the speaker. “We’ve all been there: nodding along in a loud room when we actually have no idea what was said,” Fine says. “Instead of faking it, tell people if you need them to speak up or move to your better side.”
However, don’t feel obligated to engage in a nonproductive, hurtful or malicious discussion. Instead, feel free to exit the conversation gracefully. For example, “if you’re stuck in a conversational dead end with a braggart, it’s OK to walk away—just maybe play it safe if it’s your boss or your mother-in-law!” Fine says.
About the expert
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For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on how to be a better listener, Tina Donvito tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who has covered relationships and communication for Reader’s Digest for nearly a decade to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Debra Fine, conversation expert and author of The Fine Art of Small Talk; email interview, December 2025
- Journal of Experimental Psychology: General: “Conveying and Detecting Listening During Live Conversation”
- Psychological Science: “Underestimating Counterparts’ Learning Goals Impairs Conflictual Conversations”
- Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes: “Conversational receptiveness: Improving engagement with opposing views”
- Royal Society Open Science: “The effects of listening on speaker and listener while talking about character strengths: an open science school-wide collaboration”
- The University of Chicago: “Characteristics of Effective Listening”
- StatPearls: “Active Listening”
- Current Opinion in Psychology: “When listening is spoken”
- International Journal of Listening: “‘So You’re Telling Me …’: Paraphrasing (Formulating), Affective Stance, and Active Listening”
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