In Reader’s Digest’s new series, “Is It Really Rude to…,” Charlotte Hilton Andersen tackles low-stakes etiquette questions from everyday life using a combination of her common sense and vast knowledge from writing 50-plus etiquette stories for this site. Have a situation you can’t stop ruminating on? Email us at advice@tmbi.com.
Last weekend, I went to a big work party, the kind where everyone signs up to bring something. Being the responsible, health-conscious adult that I am, I showed up with a vegetable salad. But not just any vegetable salad. This was my favorite hearts of palm salad, a recipe that’s been in my family for generations. It’s got crunchy water chestnuts, tiny baby corn (which I always nibble sideways like I’m reenacting Big), marinated artichoke hearts, olives, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and hearts of palm, which I believe—if I’m understanding botany correctly—are the actual beating hearts of baby palm trees?
Anyway, I set my glorious salad out on the table … and then watched, hour after hour, as everyone very deliberately did not eat it. Maybe they were intimidated by its beauty. Maybe they didn’t understand hearts of palm. Maybe they were confused by the baby corn performance I was doing nearby. Who knows.
By the end of the night, the salad sat there exactly as untouched as the daily planner I bought last January in an attempt to “finally get organized.” So I did what felt natural. I packed it up and took it home. My husband, however, reacted as though I’d committed a felony.
“You can’t TAKE FOOD BACK,” he said, horrified. “That’s just not proper!” (Which is funny coming from a man who wore cargo pants to a black-tie wedding. They were his black cargo pants, at least.)
Leave it? To be thrown away? To live out its final moments in a trash bag next to a paper plate with half a deviled egg on it? Is that truly the right etiquette move? Read on to find out the answer.
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Is it rude to take your food home after a party?
When you bring a dish to a party, you are making a small, edible donation to the communal joy. You are not signing over the deed to your fridge. If no one eats it, then the community has politely declined your offer. That’s fine! We’ve all brought a dish that didn’t quite vibe with the room’s energy. But if your dish returns from battle as pristine as the day it was deployed? I believe you are totally allowed to reclaim custody. After all, why would I leave the salad I love more than some of my co-workers? (Sorry, guys. I do love you, I swear.)
And it’s not just exotic veggies that are fair game. I give you full polite permission to reclaim:
- The Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peppermint bark you bought because it was on display and you were PMSing.
- The bottle of nice-ish pinot noir you brought because it has a bird on the label and therefore looks expensive.
- The crockpot of meatballs everyone swore they “were coming back for” and then never did.
- The artisanal sourdough loaf from the starter you’ve been cultivating since COVID-19.
If the food is untouched and safe to eat, take it home and let it live its best second life.
When is it rude to take food home?
If I’ve learned anything from my decades as an etiquette writer, it’s that etiquette isn’t one-size-fits-all. There are moments when packing up your spinach-artichoke dip might make you look, well, not great. Think twice about it in the following situations:
When you’re at a small, intimate gathering
If it’s your best friend’s cozy seven-person potluck—candles lit, soft music, a cheese board with three types of brie—you can’t swoop in and reclaim your Pyrex like you’re repo’ing a car. Small gatherings mean shared leftovers.
When you’re at your in-laws’ house
Listen, your mother-in-law will interpret this as a personal insult, even if you are simply trying to avoid food waste. She will assume you think her fridge isn’t worthy. Or that you hate her. Or both. Leave the food. Keep your sanity.
When the food has been eaten by other guests
If half the bowl is gone, it belongs to the group now. Do not attempt to scrape the remaining buffalo chicken dip into your purse like a raccoon in human disguise.
When the host wants to keep it
Some hosts like leftovers. And it’s the host’s right to keep it if they want it. After all, they went to the hard work of hosting.
When the dish is something meant to be gifted, not consumed immediately
A bottle of wine? A dessert box from a bakery? A box of chocolates? That maple-roasted nut mix you spent seven hours stirring? If it’s clearly a hostess gift, it stays with the hostess.
What about food safety?
Great question because the only thing worse than awkward party etiquette is foodborne illness.
Per food-safety guidelines, if your dish sat out longer than two hours (or one hour if it was outdoors in the summer), it may already be heading toward the Danger Zone—and not in the fun Top Gun way. So tossing it might actually be the more merciful option.
But vegetable salads (with mayo-free dressings), unopened wine bottles, store-bought desserts and shelf-stable snacks? Totally safe to rescue. If it’s questionable (mayo-based, dairy-heavy, seafood-adjacent or smells like it’s already given up), leave it behind as a sacrifice to the party gods.
The verdict
Taking home an untouched appetizer isn’t rude. Usually. What is rude is letting perfectly good food go to waste because of social norms from 1954. Just be thoughtful about the setting, the type of food and the host’s feelings. And for me, I learned my lesson. Next time, I should maybe bring something people will definitely eat—like cookies. Or cheese. Or anything that doesn’t involve explaining the inner anatomy of palm trees.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
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