In Reader’s Digest’s new series, “Is It Really Rude to…,” Charlotte Hilton Andersen tackles low-stakes etiquette questions from everyday life using a combination of her common sense and vast knowledge from writing 50-plus etiquette stories for this site. Have a situation you can’t stop ruminating on? Email us at advice@tmbi.com.
First, let’s define our terms. An Irish exit is when you leave a gathering without saying goodbye to anyone. No hugs. No vague promises to “do this again soon.” No frantic search for the host while your coat slowly disappears into a pile of identical coats. You simply … vanish.
I’m happy we’re tackling this topic, as it has been on my mind this week. I recently attended my husband’s work holiday party—a festive, fluorescent-lit marathon of smiling at strangers and saying things like, “Oh, wow, that’s so interesting!” and “I’ve heard so many great things about you!” After several hours of professional small talk and a taco buffet, I did what any emotionally depleted adult would do.
I left.
I didn’t say goodbye to any of my hundreds of new acquaintances. I didn’t even tell my husband. (It’s fine, we drove separately.) I just evaporated like a Victorian child with consumption.
So was that rude? (It may have started a small argument at our home.) Let’s discuss.
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When an Irish exit is totally fine (and maybe necessary)
Good party etiquette is knowing the right time and way to leave. And there are times when the right way is to disappear. The unofficial guidelines are below.
At large, chaotic gatherings
If the party is big enough that the host won’t notice you’re gone for at least 45 minutes, you’re good. Holiday parties, weddings with more than 120 guests, networking events where everyone is wearing a name tag and saying “circle back”—this is prime Irish exit territory.
When saying goodbye would take longer than staying
You know the scenario: You try to say goodbye to one person, and suddenly, you’re trapped in three new conversations, one of which involves someone’s recent colonoscopy. Leaving quietly is a public service—and may even help you avoid the spiral that comes from giving in to your people-pleasing tendencies.
When you are someone’s plus-one, and they’re in their element
Especially if you are the spouse of someone who works at the company sponsoring the event and every interaction begins with, “So how do you know Mark?” You’ve paid your dues. You smiled. You nodded. If it’s been more than an hour and your spouse is happy (and drove separately), you may now flee.
When you are at your social limit
This is not about being rude. This is about survival. Sometimes your nervous system taps out before your manners do—and recognizing that is part of healthy boundary-setting.
When an Irish exit is, yes, kind of rude
There are times when leaving without saying goodbye will land you on the rude list.
When you are someone’s plus-one, and they need you there
If your presence is the emotional support blankie your partner needs, you don’t get to simply fade into the shrubbery. This is especially true at work events, weddings or any gathering where your partner keeps scanning the room like a lost toddler. Leaving at that point is not an Irish exit. That’s a betrayal.
At a small or intimate gathering
If there are fewer than 10 people and you vanish, everyone will notice. They will assume something terrible happened. Or worse—they will assume they did something wrong.
When you are the guest of honor
You cannot Irish exit your own birthday dinner. I don’t care how introverted you are (and I get it because I’m also an introvert). That is simply called “being a bad friend.”
When someone went out of their way for you
If a host cooked, cleaned or emotionally prepared for your arrival, a quick goodbye is the least you can do. Even a whispered, “Thank you so much; I’m so sorry, but I’m collapsing as a person,” will suffice.
When your disappearance creates logistical chaos
If someone is waiting to walk you out, give you leftovers or make sure you didn’t leave your phone in the bathroom, announce your departure like a responsible adult.
The verdict
Is pulling an Irish exit rude? Yes. A little.
But it’s the kind of rude that lives in the same neighborhood as leaving a party early, declining a group chat or pretending you didn’t see an email until Monday. Technically impolite. Emotionally necessary.
The key is context. If your exit spares you from a social breakdown and doesn’t actively hurt anyone’s feelings, it’s probably fine. Just don’t make a habit of ghosting people who love you or hosts who worked hard or your spouse, who may eventually wonder if you were abducted. (I’m sorry, honey!)
As for me? In my defense, my husband loves his co-workers and was having a blast. He didn’t want to leave yet. So I stand by my choice. I smiled for hours. I fulfilled my civic duty. And then I disappeared into the night—rude, refreshed and home in my PJs with Netflix and ice cream (amaretto cookie, if you’re curious) by 9:15.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
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