Seeing your brother who lives across the country … and squabbling nonstop. Enduring the thinly veiled racism of your uncle. Sleeping on an air mattress. Listening to your kids whine through an hourslong car trip. Plunking down tons of cash for a flight … There are many reasons you may decide you’re not going home for Christmas—but how will your family take it when you tell them?
“Family roles, expectations and unspoken rules often create what we call obligation-based loyalty, where saying no feels like a betrayal even when the ‘yes’ would push someone into burnout,” says clinical psychologist Shahrzad Jalali, author of The Fire That Makes Us: Unveiling the Transformative Power of Trauma. “We see a predictable spike in guilt around the holidays because so many people were conditioned from childhood to associate compliance with love.”
Telling your family that (gulp!) you’re not actually coming home for the holidays can feel like one of the worst things you can say to them, but it’s not. We asked Jalali and clinical therapist Vanessa Kennedy for their best advice for broaching the conversation. Read on for the experts’ tips for what to say, and how to say it, when you’re not coming home for Christmas.
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Is it OK to not go home for the holidays?
The holidays can be stressful (think of “The 12 Days of Christmas” parody “The 12 Pains of Christmas”) and may leave you feeling like you got run over by a reindeer. This year, the stress may even ratchet up a notch: In a 2025 American Psychiatric Association survey, 41% of those polled said they anticipated more holiday stress this year than last, a big increase from 2024 (28%) and 2023 (29%).
So don’t feel bad about declining. You do you—it’s best to protect your own well-being at the so-called most wonderful time of the year.
“Make sure you keep in mind that it is perfectly OK to prioritize your mental health and peace of mind when deciding whether to go home or not,” says Kennedy, the director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery in Austin, Texas. “Life is too short to stress about every holiday season, and if we can stick to valuing our mental health as most important, we may be able to look forward to the holiday season as opposed to dreading it and beating ourselves up about how we handle it.”
Jalali says choosing not to go home isn’t avoidance or rejection but rather part of becoming a separate, autonomous adult. “Healthy families allow that,” she says. “When you choose the environment that supports your mental health, you’re not being selfish—you’re interrupting unhealthy generational patterns of overextension, enmeshment or emotional self-abandonment.”
Should you stay or should you go?
There’s a fine line between facing your fears and figuring out what you really need—and only you can make that decision. First, think about whether anxiety is preventing you from seeing the situation clearly.
“We can be harsh and judgmental toward ourselves before seeing relatives for the holidays, especially if we haven’t seen them for a while,” Kennedy says. “We might feel unsure of our social skills, our appearance or our accomplishments when catching up with relatives. Examining the role that anxiety plays in our decision to come home or not should be prioritized in advance.”
On one hand, you may be able to address and resolve certain difficulties with family ahead of time. “For example, if you know that your brother judges the vehicle you drive and brags about his high-paying job and vacations every year, perhaps a heartfelt conversation expressing your feelings to him before holiday get-togethers will be fruitful before making your final decision,” Kennedy says.
On the other hand, you may truly need some alone time or time away from your family. “The holidays can be an especially stressful experience when difficult dynamics are at play with your family,” she says. “Perhaps you are not coming home because of long-standing issues that you are finally feeling confident enough to address, or perhaps you are going through something temporary that requires taking a break from your family.”
It’s also possible your anxiety is a signal to avoid real harm to your mental health. “The holidays often activate childhood roles, guilt patterns and unconscious obligations,” Jalali says. “Saying no is not a rupture in the family system—it’s a recalibration. When you make a decision aligned with your emotional capacity rather than old conditioning, you’re practicing psychological maturity.”
How should you tell your family you’re not going home for Christmas?
Now that you’ve decided you’re not going home for Christmas, just how are you going to announce it? It’s normal to feel nervous, but stand up for yourself and stick to your plans. “If you explain you need to put your mental health as first priority, it will be harder for your family to argue there is anything wrong with that decision,” Kennedy says.
By following the tips below, you can reveal your plans to your family without burning bridges.
Break the news early
The earlier you do it, the better—both for your sake and your family’s. “Early disclosure reduces anticipatory anxiety for both sides and prevents your family from interpreting the change as impulsive or reactive,” Jalali says.
What to say: “I want to tell you now so it’s clear: I won’t be coming home this year. I care about you, and I want us to have time to adjust to the plan.”
Use a warm tone
You should establish firm boundaries but express them gently. “A boundary without warmth can feel like rejection; warmth without a boundary leads to pressure or guilt-tripping,” Jalali says. “The combination regulates the nervous system of both parties.”
What to say: “I know this may be disappointing, and I understand. My decision is set, and I hope we can still stay connected.”
Keep it simple
Be straightforward and make it clear that this is nonnegotiable. If you overexplain or seem wishy-washy, your family members may think they can change your mind. This “invites negotiation instead of understanding,” Jalali says.
What to say: “This is the plan that supports me best this year. Thank you for respecting it.”
Be honest—but kind
Blunt honesty isn’t always the best policy; you can be truthful without being hurtful. “If 100% transparent honesty will lead to more hurt feelings and anxiety for you, tempering your message with love will reduce your family’s disappointment,” Kennedy says.
What to say: “This might be difficult for you, but it’s what’s best for me this year. I really appreciate your support.”
Expect emotional reactions
Don’t let a hostile, angry or hurtful response put you on the defensive or pull you into an argument. Instead, keep calm and try to be understanding because it will be an adjustment for your loved ones. “Families often respond to change with protest because it disrupts the familiar relational pattern,” Jalali says.
If they are OK with it, maybe they’re more understanding than you thought; but if they seem relieved, you may want to examine your own contribution to any conflict in the family, Kennedy says.
What to say: “I hear how you feel, and your reaction makes sense, but my plan remains the same.”
Consider the long-term effects
Be prepared for this to cause a big outcry in the family. “If you anticipate that word will spread like wildfire to other family members, who may call you to discuss the conflict further or pressure you to come, compounding the problem, you might need a plan for how to weather the uproar with support,” Kennedy says.
If you think they may hold a grudge or ice you out for years to come, you may think it’s not worth it. Yet that reaction could be validation that you’ve made the right decision.
What to say: “I hope this won’t affect our relationship in the future. I love you, and I do want to see you—just not for Christmas this year.”
Offer another form of connection
End on a good note by offering to get together another time, or schedule a video call on Christmas. “This signals the attachment is still intact, reducing feelings of abandonment or rupture,” Jalali says.
If the problem lies with extended family or one or two specific family members, arrange a small gathering with those you actually want to see. “Propose this alternative for another time to ensure you maintain the relationships you want to nurture,” Kennedy says.
What to say: “Can we schedule a call or plan something later in the season? I want us to stay connected.”
What can you say when you won’t be home for the holidays?
Deciding to skip the family holiday may be the easy part. Figuring out how to explain why you’re not going home for Christmas can be tougher. Below, our experts note some common reasons for making other plans and suggest the best way to word it when talking to family.
“Issues that revolve around grief, comparison, perfectionism, enmeshment [lack of boundaries], alcohol and eating can all come into play around our families, setting us up for a myriad of triggers to manage,” Kennedy says. Here’s what to say:
If you can’t afford it
What to say: “Travel isn’t financially realistic for me this year, and I’m choosing not to put myself under stress. I still want to find a way to celebrate together.”
Financial boundaries aren’t just practical considerations—they can cause emotional stress when you have to spend money on things you can’t afford. The problem could be the cost of travel, the pressure to give elaborate presents or the general need to save money. “Many people were raised to absorb financial strain to keep the peace, which leads to resentment,” Jalali says.
If you’re celebrating with your partner’s family
What to say: “We’re spending the holiday with my partner’s family this year because we’re working on balancing both sides. I know this is an adjustment.”
Part of being an adult is shifting focus to make your partner your priority instead of your immediate family. “This is often hard for parents to accept,” Jalali says.
If logistics are too difficult
What to say: “With the travel and timing, I can’t make it work this year. I hope you can understand the practical limits.”
If you can’t get the time off, are struggling to make travel arrangements or just think it’s not feasible to make the trip, don’t feel like you need to jump through hoops to appease someone else. “Cognitive overload and travel strain dysregulate the nervous system, especially during already stressful seasons,” Jalali says. That can leave you even more stressed out and on high alert.
If you’re going on vacation instead
What to say: “I’m taking this time for rest and recovery. It’s not about avoiding anyone—it’s what my mind and body genuinely need.”
Maybe you need a mental break or head-clearing getaway this holiday season. Or maybe you simply want to do something different. “Rest is a psychological need, not a luxury—many people collapse after the holidays precisely because they didn’t set limits,” Jalali says.
If it’s emotionally or mentally stressful
What to say: “I’ve been paying attention to what supports my mental health, and traveling home feels overwhelming. I need to choose stability this year.”
Going home can be majorly triggering if your family is dysfunctional or, worse, emotionally abusive. Even if you don’t have an outright toxic relationship with your family, opposing values that lead to differences in politics or religion can result in charged conversations and hurt feelings.
“If going home triggers anxiety, regression or old family dynamics, avoidance is not avoidance—it’s regulation,” Jalali says.
If you’re creating new traditions
What to say: “This year, we’re starting our own traditions at home. It’s not about distance from you—it’s about building something meaningful for our family unit.”
If you have young children, you might want to start new traditions for them at your own home. “Family systems evolve—creating rituals with your own partner or children is a natural form of separation and individuation,” Jalali says.
If some family members don’t accept you
What to say: “In the past, gatherings haven’t felt emotionally safe for me. Until that changes, I need to protect my well-being during the holidays.”
Never feel like you have to subject yourself to someone else’s rude questions, prejudice or hate, especially if the rest of the family is enabling it.
“Psychological safety is foundational for healthy functioning,” Jalali says. “Choosing not to expose yourself to harmful dynamics is protective, not punitive.” This is especially the case if you don’t want your children to be exposed to toxic behaviors either.
If you want to avoid unhealthy habits
What to say: “I simply cannot bring myself to be exposed to that much food” or “I’ve been advised by my therapist to spend time with sober friends for the holidays to protect my sobriety.”
For some people who’ve had issues with alcohol abuse or a difficult relationship with food or their weight, family holidays may mean risking sliding back into old patterns.
“If you have gotten sober recently and come from a family that drinks to excess during the holidays, it is likely the best decision not to surround yourself with drinking,” Kennedy says, also noting that “you can be compassionate with yourself and decide the abundance of food available is too much to manage right now.”
If you’re grieving
What to say: “I think I need more time to grieve and work through my feelings about losing Dad. Once I’ve gotten more help to work through this, I can reconsider coming next year.”
The holidays can be difficult if you’ve just lost someone you love, particularly a family member, or if you’re grieving a family tradition or dynamic that changed due to death or divorce. Although you may assume you should be there for others, don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs when grieving. “It is OK to be in a grief process and to delay facing painful feelings,” Kennedy says.
If you simply want to stay home
What to say: “I’m choosing a quiet holiday at home this year because that’s what genuinely feels right for me.”
Sometimes you don’t even need a reason. As the saying goes, “no” is a complete sentence. “Many adults struggle to act on what they want because they were conditioned to override themselves,” Jalali says. “Desire is a valid reason.”
About the experts
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Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Vanessa Kennedy, PhD, clinical therapist and director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery; email interview, November 2025
- Shahrzad Jalali, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of The Fire That Makes Us; email interview, November 2025
- American Psychiatric Association: “Americans are More Anxious than Last Year About the Upcoming Holidays; Health Care and the Economy Also Major Concerns for Many”
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