I’m the oldest of six kids, which meant I was basically an unpaid assistant parent tasked with maintaining order in what can only be described as a feral child circus. My brother—just 11 months younger than me—was my nemesis in this mission. His job description? Professional chaos instigator. While I spent my childhood desperately trying to keep everyone alive and the house from burning down, he was starting food fights, teaching our younger siblings creative ways to avoid bedtime and playing so many bathroom pranks, I’m still afraid to pee without looking first.
But somewhere around high school, we had an epiphany: Why fight each other when we could join forces? I became the master of misdirection, expertly redirecting our parents’ attention at crucial moments. He became our family’s MacGyver, capable of opening any locked cabinet and finding the “hidden” Christmas presents. We went from adversaries to accomplices to genuine best friends—a sibling relationship dream.
Fast-forward to adulthood, and life did what life does: We drifted. Different states, busy careers, kids of our own. These days, we rarely talk, but when we do? It’s like no time has passed. His kids beg me to spill all the scandalous stories about their dad’s misspent youth, and I am very happy to oblige. My relationship with him—and with my other siblings—has been one of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me. These people have shaped my life since before I could form memories. The comfort is knowing they’re always there, no matter what. The ache is knowing that “always there” now means a text thread instead of down the hall.
We’re not alone in this bittersweet dance: 64% of adults consider themselves to be a “good friend” to at least one of their siblings, while 45% count at least one sibling among their best friends, according to research done by Geoff Greif, PhD, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work who published these findings in his book Adult Sibling Relationships. But maintaining that closeness takes real work. “Sibling relationships are the longest relationships you’ll most likely have in your life—longer than your parents, your partner or any friend,” Greif says. “They understand you in a unique way, and as such, they can have a profound effect, often more than pretty much anyone else.”
If you’re one of the 80% of people with a sibling, then you know exactly what he’s talking about. Your sibling was simultaneously your best friend, your sworn enemy and the person who knew exactly which buttons to push to make you lose your mind—and that dynamic doesn’t magically disappear when you become adults. But here’s the good news: Your sibling relationship can actually get better with age, evolving from obligatory holiday small talk into a genuine, supportive friendship that enriches your life in ways you never expected.
I spoke with Greif and psychologist Jephtha Tausig, PhD, to find out more. Whether you’re already close with your siblings or you can barely make it through Thanksgiving dinner without rolling your eyes, read on for some concrete steps you can take to nurture these relationships. Trust me—it’s worth the effort.
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Why is it so important to have a good relationship with our siblings as we age?
When a sibling relationship is positive, it becomes a wellspring of mutual support that only deepens over time. “Siblings can form an integral part of our social networks,” says Greif, “and the research has shown over and over again that people with robust social networks live longer, healthier and happier lives.”
Here are just a few of the very real benefits of a strong sibling bond:
- You’ll live longer and healthier. Yep, this is what Greif mentioned above, and we’re going to mention it again because it’s so important. Positive sibling relationships are associated with better mental health and even increased longevity. Having someone who shares your history and genuinely has your back? That’s medicine.
- You’ll feel less lonely. Feeling like you belong is one of the most basic human needs, and siblings can provide that in a powerful way. “They can understand you better, in a deeper way, than other people can,” Greif explains. Unlike friends who come and go, siblings offer continuity and belonging that’s hard to replicate.
- You’ll have built-in support during tough times. “One of the times we see siblings reestablishing relationships is when they’re called back together to take care of aging parents,” he says. But whether it’s that situation or another that feels overwhelming, siblings who are close can share the load in ways that feel natural rather than burdensome.
- You’ll preserve family history. “Your siblings are your history,” Greif says. “Sometimes they can answer questions about your shared history and help you make sense of it.” Basically, your sibling is the only other person who remembers that time Dad accidentally set the garage on fire trying to grill in a snowstorm. Keeping family memories alive is easier—and more fun—with company.
- You’ll have someone who gets your quirks. No one, and I mean no one, gets my sense of humor like my sisters. According to Tausig, who has more than 20 years of experience counseling families, the relationship serves as “a source of mutual support and positivity if the relationship is a good one.” Your sibling understands your family dynamics, your inside jokes and why you are the way you are—no lengthy backstory required.
How can you strengthen your relationship with your siblings?
It’s not all sunshine and sandcastles, and your relationship doesn’t automatically make you best friends. As Tausig points out, “siblings can grow apart as they grow up—being related to someone is not a guarantee that you will be simpatico with one another throughout your lifespans.” But with intentional effort (and a willingness to let go of some ancient grudges), you can build something special.
Start with regular, genuine check-ins
Stop treating sibling communication like a chore. “Take the time to check in with them, find out how they are doing and what they are up to. Listen,” Tausig says. And she means really listen—not the kind where you’re mentally planning your grocery list. Set a recurring reminder to call or text once a week, even for 10 minutes. Ask open-ended questions like “What’s been the best part of your week?” instead of “How are you?” (which gets a reflexive “fine”).
Share your mundane stuff too, not just the Instagram-worthy highlights. These regular touchpoints build intimacy over time. Greif also recommends regular “sibling dates”—in person or online—to connect face to face.
Respect who they are now
If you’re used to people playing a particular role in the family, it can be jarring when they grow up. Your “baby” sibling is now 35 with a mortgage and strong opinions about tax policy. The family peacemaker might have discovered therapy and healthy conflict. Time to update your mental software.
“No two people grow up in the same family,” Greif says. “Age, timing, birth order, gender, family structure and other variables impact how people experience the ‘same’ family.” These differences become more apparent as adults and more important to acknowledge. The solution? Approach your sibling with genuine curiosity about who they are now. People change, and that’s not a betrayal of their childhood self—it’s called growing up.
Drop the ancient grievances
Yes, your brother stole your favorite toy in 1987. Your sister tattled about that party you snuck out to. Ancient. History. “It’s normal to have feelings of guilt, anger or ambivalence over the past,” Greif says. But rather than replaying old grievances, use this as an opportunity to understand your siblings from an adult perspective, with empathy for the kids you were. That bossy older sister? She was probably overwhelmed. That annoying little brother who tattled? He wanted attention. If old resentments keep bubbling up, try saying, “I know we had our issues growing up, but I’d really like to start fresh.”
Find new common ground
Maybe you bonded over shared toys as kids, but now one of you is into CrossFit and the other collects vintage records. That’s OK! “One of the approaches we suggest to siblings in therapy is to focus on future thinking instead of dwelling on the past,” Greif says. Look for fresh connection points: Binge-watch a show together over video chat, start a two-person book club, train for a 5K or trade memes. The goal is creating new positive experiences that aren’t tied to your childhood roles. Big age gap? Then it’s even more important to find activities that work for both your life stages.
Establish clear boundaries
You can love your sibling and still need boundaries—in fact, boundaries are integral to healthy relationships, Greif says. Maybe your sister gives unsolicited parenting advice that makes you want to scream. Perhaps your brother still treats you like you’re 12. It’s OK to lovingly but firmly say, “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got this.” Good boundaries actually make relationships closer because they reduce friction. Be specific: “I’d love to hear about your life, but let’s avoid politics at family gatherings” works better than vague complaints.
Be willing to meet halfway
“As with any relationship, both individuals have to be willing to do this,” Tausig says. You can’t force a friendship, even with family. But you can extend the olive branch and be open to reciprocation. This might mean being the one who initiates more often at first or accepting your sibling’s style of connection even if it’s different from yours. Some people show love through long heart-to-hearts; others prefer doing activities together. Neither is wrong.
Is it ever better to let a sibling relationship lapse?
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a sibling relationship just isn’t healthy to maintain. “Yes, sometimes it is not possible to maintain a relationship with a sibling,” Tausig acknowledges. “While unfortunate, it can be healthier to recognize and acknowledge this.”
If your sibling relationship involves abuse, severe toxicity or patterns actively harmful to your well-being, you’re not obligated to maintain close contact just because you share DNA. “Ask, ‘How do I feel the best about myself?’ and then align with your own values,” Greif says. “And if that means not participating in the sibling relationship, focus your attention on other supportive, loving relationships in your life.”
Some signs it might be healthier to step back:
- Interactions consistently leave you feeling worse about yourself.
- Your sibling repeatedly violates your boundaries, despite clear communication.
- There’s a pattern of manipulation or emotional abuse.
- The relationship triggers serious mental-health issues.
- Your sibling refuses to acknowledge serious problems.
Stepping back doesn’t mean complete estrangement forever. It might mean limiting contact to major holidays, keeping conversations surface level or taking a temporary break. Give yourself permission to prioritize your mental health—it’s not selfish; it’s necessary.
What if you weren’t close as kids but want to be close now?
Your childhood relationship isn’t your destiny. Plenty of siblings who fought like cats and dogs as kids become genuinely close as adults. “It’s normal to have phases of closeness and separation,” Greif says. “Part of building the relationship is recognizing these phases aren’t a bad thing.” But building is the key. Here’s how:
- Start small. Don’t try to force instant intimacy or expect to become best friends overnight. Begin with low-pressure interactions: Grab coffee, exchange texts about a shared interest or ask for advice (people love feeling valued for their expertise).
- Be honest about wanting to connect. A simple “Hey, I know we weren’t super close growing up, but I’d really like to change that” can work wonders. Most people appreciate directness and vulnerability.
- Remember Tausig’s wise words: Both people have to be on board. If you’re consistently getting lukewarm responses, that’s information. You can’t force someone to want a closer relationship, but you can keep the door open for when (or if) they’re ready.
The beautiful thing about adult sibling relationships is that you get to choose them. You’re no longer stuck sharing a bathroom or competing for your parents’ attention. You can build something new, something chosen, something that reflects who you both are now rather than who you were forced to be in childhood. And that’s worth the effort.
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At Reader’s Digest, we’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece on sibling relationships, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in relationships and communication for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Geoff Greif, PhD, professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of Adult Sibling Relationships; phone interview, Nov. 14, 2025
- Jephtha Tausig, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, supervisor at Columbia University, Mount Sinai Medical Center and Adelphi University; email interview, Nov. 12, 2025
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