Someone in my life who shall rename nameless (you know exactly who you are) is a scream sneezer. It is the loudest sneeze you’ve ever heard, and he manages to make it sound like he’s screaming AH SH*T —although he swears he’s not cursing on purpose. It’s so loud that it has woken our deaf dog out of a deep sleep, made more than one baby cry and set off a car alarm. I am not kidding. At this point, I’m less concerned about his sinuses than I am about whether our homeowners insurance covers sonic weapons. Thus far, I have not punched him, but every sneeze startles me so badly that I fear the day is coming. I don’t want to be the first person convicted of assaulting someone for having a functioning respiratory system, but I also can’t comfortably rule it out. If you’ve never been around a scream sneezer, I envy your innocence. They are a small but disproportionately terrifying percentage of the population, and once you...
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