66 of Dick Van Dyke’s Most Famous Lines and Quotes

The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961-1966)

Role: Rob Petrie

This half-hour sitcom centered around the lives of television comedy writer Rob Petrie (Van Dyke), his wife Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) and their son Ritchie, who live in the suburb of New Rochelle, NY, a train ride away from Rob’s job in New York City. Supporting characters include Rob’s two co-writers Sally and Buddy and the Petrie’s neighbors and friends Jerry and Millie Helper, along with Carl Reiner as Alan Brady, the star of The Alan Brady Show which Rob writes for. Reiner created the show and based it on his real life as a writer on Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows and Caesar’s Hour variety programs.

Read on for some of the best Rob Petrie quotes.

Episode: “My Blonde-Haired Brunette”

Aired Oct. 10, 1961

Laura thinks Rob is no longer interested in her so she decides to color her hair blonde.

[Laura, with Millie’s help, had dyed her hair blonde and talks to Rob on the phone]

Laura: Well, honey, what if I were a blonde? Would I be as attractive to you if I were a blonde?

Rob: No, I can’t picture you as a blonde. No, wait a minute! Yes, I can! You know who you’d look like?

Laura: Who?

Rob: Harpo Marx!

Episode: “Jealousy”

Aired Nov. 7, 1961

Rob’s friend and neighbor Jerry plants a seed of mistrust, and jealousy, in Laura’s head when he tells her a beautiful movie star named Valerie Blake will be a guest star on The Alan Brady Show. Her jealousy begins to grow when Rob begins a string of late night work sessions, and it’s up to Rob to work hard to convince his wife nothing fishy is going on.

Rob: Morning, honey.

[puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]

Laura: [in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn’t for me! You didn’t have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don’t have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn’t coming today and you have five people coming for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?

Rob: [recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I’ll go out and come in again. I won’t say good morning — I’ll just wave as I go by.

Episode: “The Two Faces of Rob”

Aired Oct. 3, 1962

Rob bets Sally and Buddy he can call Laura, put on a fake accent and pass himself off as an Italian doctor, and she won’t know it’s him.

Rob [to Sally and Buddy]: “I fooled her, she was entranced. You know something? You know what she thought? She thought she was flirting with a complete stranger.”

Rob: [Laura is singing dolce fare niente as she walks to the kitchen] Dolce fare niente. She never hummed my phone calls.

Episode: “All About Eavesdropping”

Aired October 23, 1963

Thanks to a toy intercom rigged up by Rob and Laura’s son Ritchie and Freddie, the son of their next-door neighbors, Jerry and Millie Helper, Rob and Laura unintentionally hear the Helpers making negative comments about them before attending their dinner party.

Rob: If you can’t say nasty things about your best friends at home, where can you?

Laura: [to Rob after answering phone] It’s them.

Rob: They’re calling to apologize.

Laura: [sarcastic tone] Yeah. [puzzled] Apologize for what?

Rob: Well, because, uh… they… didn’t know what we heard, but they are guilty because they know they said it, even though they didn’t know that we know, you know?

Laura: What?

Rob: You unscramble it. There’s a good sentence in there somewhere.

Laura: What are you gonna do with the wine?

Rob: Well, if, uh, we’re gonna go next door and, uh, swallow our pride and eat some crow, we’d better have some good wine to wash it down with.

Episode: “Big Max Calvada”

Aired Nov. 20, 1963

An underworld figure asks Rob, Sally and Buddy to write a comedy routine for his talentless nephew.

Rob: I got a feeling if our jokes die, we’re gonna go with them.

Episode: “My Part Time Wife”

Aired Feb. 26, 1964

Laura wants to help Rob at the office but he resists because he doesn’t think she can handle working and keeping house simultaneously. But after going through many temp secretaries, he finally relents. Sparks fly when she’s more successful at both, proving him, and his ego, wrong.

Rob: This girl typed like the wind—she blew every word.

[Rob and Buddy continue to search for a typist]

Buddy: So far we’ve had a giggler, a gum-popper and a girdle-snapper.

Rob: Do you know where we can find a typist that doesn’t snap, giggle or pop?

Laura: Well, I just thought it’d be a good idea to have a nice, neat, perfectly-typed list of foods, and—I don’t know—I have a lot of time on my hands, like I do most every day, and I just wanted to do something constructive.

Rob: Oh, good. We could use a new garage.

Rob: I feel like a schoolboy in class on Parents’ Day with my mother peekin’ over my shoulder.

Laura: The only reason I came here was to help you, and if I have annoyed you, I sincerely apologize, and to keep from causing you any further annoyance, I want you to know that I’m fired!

Rob: [after she storms out] You can’t fire! I quit ya!

Episode: “I’d Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head At All”

Aired: April 29, 1964

Rob thinks he’s going bald and he visits a hair specialist recommended by Buddy. Irwin, the hair guy, gives him bottle of ingredients including olive oil and a couple of others.

Irwin: Well, I had to find something acidic enough to cleanse it [the scalp] and yet vegetable enough so as to nourish and to blend properly with the olive oil.

Rob: Oh, what is it?

Irwin: Vinegar.

Rob: That’s oil and vinegar? Irwin, that’s a salad dressing.

Irwin: To a chef maybe it’s a salad dressing. To me, it’s a life-giving elixir.
[Irwin further explains there’s also eggs in the mixture]

Rob: Well, if you had some anchovies and croutons, you could make Caesar salad out of this… Tell me, when I put it on my hair, do I comb it or toss it?

Episode: “Never Bathe on Saturday”

Aired March 3, 1965

While on their second honeymoon, Laura gets her toe stuck in a hotel bathtub faucet and Rob can’t get through the locked bathroom door to free her.

Laura: Oh darling—this is so much fun… how come we never did this before?

Rob: Because we never could afford it before, that’s why… but just stick with me baby- we’re going to make your parents eat their words…

Laura: What words were those?

Rob: “Rob Petrie is a bum and he’s never going to amount to anything…”

Laura: [from the bathroom] Well, where’s the stupid maid with the key?

Rob: She’s right here, honey.

Maid: Stupid maid, huh?

Rob: Well, we had a stupid maid once.

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)

Role: Albert Peterson

Rock and roll singer Conrad Birdie gets drafted into the army, causing a mass uproar amongst his fans and putting a dent in struggling songwriter Albert Peterson’s (Van Dyke,) plans, since Birdie was going to record his song. Albert’s longtime girlfriend Rosie (Janet Leigh) pushes him to write a new song called “One Last Kiss” that Birdie will perform on television, along with giving a goodbye kiss, to a lucky contest winner (Ann-Margret). Albert’s domineering mother, Mae (Maureen Stapleton), adds to the fun as the mama who can’t let her son go, especially when it comes to Rosie.

Mae: Now, don’t try to pay me back, son. I forgive you. So what if you’re an ingrate? So long as you’re happy.

Albert: I don’t wanna be happy!

Albert: I don’t care what [Ed] Sullivan pays you. No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.

Rosie: Oh, you’re not listening, darling.

Albert: I am not a gigolo!

Albert: [singing] Oh one last kiss… there never was such bliss… I love your dentifrice!

Albert sings “Put on a Happy Face” to Rosie:

Gray skies are gonna clear up, Put on a happy face.
Brush off the clouds and cheer up, Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy, it’s not your style
You’ll look so good that you’ll be glad ya’ decided to smile!

Pick out a pleasant outlook, Stick out that noble chin
Wipe off that “full of doubt” look, Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face!

Mary Poppins (1964)

Role: Bert

At the turn of the 20^th century, a new nanny brings music and magic to the Banks children, Michael and Jane, teaching them and their parents the importance of imagination, fun, and family. Her Cockney friend Bert, a performer, sidewalk artist and chimney sweep, often accompanies Mary and the children on their adventures, further helping them to embrace play and find joy in everyday tasks.

“What did I tell ya? There’s the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars and the chimney sweeps.”

Bert, about his chalk drawings: “Not Royal Academy, I suppose. Still better than a finger in theye, ain’t they?”

“You’re a man of high position, esteemed by your peers. And when your little tykes are crying, you haven’t time to dry their tears… And see their thankful little faces smiling up at you… ‘Cause their dad, he always knows just what to do…”

“Speakin’ o’ names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.”

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I’d be so grateful.

Bert: Righto. Well, it’s about me granddad, see, and one night he had a nightmare, he did. So scared that he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. Next morning, I says, “How you feel, Granddad?” He says, “Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth.”

[Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]

Bert: I always say there’s nothing like a good joke.

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

Bert: All right, I’ll do it myself!

Mary Poppins: Do what?

Bert: Bit o’ magic!

Michael: A bit of magic?

Bert: It’s easy! Let’s see… You think… You wink… You do a double blink… You close your eyes… and jump!

“Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled / ‘Tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep world / When there’s hardly no day, nor hardly no night / There’s things half in shadow and halfway in light / On the rooftops of London / Coo, what a sight!”

“It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory…He stands about all day… and makes faces!”

“It’s just good clean soot, Michael.”

“Winds in the east, mist coming in. / Like somethin’ is brewin’ and ’bout to begin. / Can’t put me finger on what lies in store, / But I feel what’s to happen all happened before.”

Mary Poppins: You know, you can say it backwards, which is “docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus” – but that’s going a bit too far, don’t you think?

Bert: Indubitably!

“Goodbye, Mary Poppins, don’t stay away too long.”

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Role: Caractacus Potts

Caractacus Potts, a down-on-his-luck inventor and a widowed father of two, turns a broken-down race car into one that can float and fly. One day at the beach, Potts tells his children and his lady friend Truly Scrumptious a fantastical story about how the car, named Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, got in the hands of a villain and needed to be rescued.

• “You’ll find a slight squeeze on the hooter an excellent safety precaution, Miss Scrumptious.”
• “Well, maybe my children like running wild in the street. Did that ever occur to you?”
• “You have to face the facts. A man has to see things as they really are. After all, a man with responsibilities can’t walk around with his head in the clouds all the time.”
• “Oh, a man should have his dreams, but a man has to learn to put those dreams to some practical use; not just sit around and think about them all the time.””Don’t waste your pucker on some all day sucker.”
• “A man should keep his feet solidly on the ground.”
• “It’s talking to us. All engines talk. It’s saying: Chitty. Chitty, Chitty. Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, bang, bang.”
• “Well, Peter, you shouldn’t be afraid, even in a terrible place like this, because there’s always hope.”
• “You mean to tell me I invented something that actually works?”
• “If women are going to drive motorcars around, they should learn to operate one correctly.”

Night at the Museum (2006)

Role: Cecil

A new security guard named Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) is hired to do the night shift at the Museum of Natural History, where he discovers the exhibits come to life after dark. Because of financial troubles, Larry is hired to replace three older guards, including Cecil Fredericks (Van Dyke), and his two cohorts Reginald and Gus. The three veteran guards are up to no good, planning to steal a tablet and other valuable objects, and it’s up to Larry to stop them.

• “These are money carriers. Larry. They were trained not to stop for anything but a secret word.”
• “Gotta keep it moving Larry, I’m pretty spry for an old man.”
• “And the most important thing of all to remember: don’t let anything in or out.”
• “It ain’t gonna happen. Moving on!”
• “Tequila!”
• “A few years into the job the three of us realized that like everything else in this museum we got new life at night, sundown to sunrise, we felt young again. We love the night life Larry so when we found out they were gonna frame us, we had to steal it.”

Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

Role: Mr. Dawes Jr.

Set during the Great Depression, the Banks’ children, now grown adults going through difficult times and risking losing their childhood home, get a surprise visit from their beloved nanny, Mary Poppins (Emily Blunt). Mary, along with her friend Jack (Lin-Manuel Miranda), helps Michael, now a widowed father with three children, and his sister Jane weather the storm and recapture the magic they’ve been missing in their lives.

• “I may be circling the drain, but I’ve got a few steps left in me.”
• “So when they tell you that you’re finished and your chance to dance is done/That’s the time to stand, To strike up the band
  and tell ’em that you just begun.
• So when life’s a real pea-souper/ You must choose to be a trooper/For your light comes with a lifetime guarantee/As you trip a little light fantastic with me.
• “Once upon a time, there was a man with a wooden leg…”
• “Gentlemen, would you show my nephew to the door, please?”

[Mr. Dawes, Jr. arrives at the bank]

• Mr. Dawes Jr.: He has you there, Willy.
• Wilkins: Uncle Dawes? What on earth are you doing here?
• Mr. Dawes Jr.: A little bird told me. [turns to the parrot umbrella, winks and parrot umbrella winks at him back]

Coldplay “All My Love” video (2024)

To celebrate Van Dyke’s 99^th birthday in Dec. 2024, Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, sang the band’s new song, “All My Love,” with the help of Van Dyke. The sweet video was shot at Van Dyke’s home in Malibu and featured him dancing barefoot, spending time with his large family and reminiscing about his long life and career. Here’s a few of his key reflections:

• “What is love? It certainly is a feeling of caring about the welfare and the life of the other person as much as you care about yourself.”
• “I’m acutely aware that I could go any day now but I don’t know why it doesn’t concern me, I’m not afraid of it. I have that feeling totally against anything intellectual that I’m going to be all right.”
• “I think I’m one of those lucky people who got to do for a living what I would have done anyway. When you think how lucky I am, I got to do what I do, play and act silly.”

Dick Van Dyke’s famous quotes in real life

• “You can spread jelly on the peanut butter but you can’t spread peanut butter on the jelly.”
• “You get to that place where you are like a favorite old flannel shirt—well worn, faded, thin in places, but so perfectly comfortable you love it more than anything else in the closet. Like that old shirt, you want to feel great. The outside doesn’t matter as much as the texture and touch, all the memories and miles, and, of course, the fact that it still does its job!”
• “We should never judge a day by its weather.”
• “As I’d found time and again throughout my life—and would continue to find—you do what you can, say your prayers, and hope for the best.”
• “Hope is life’s essential nutrient, and love is what gives life meaning.”
• “In general, things either work out or they don’t, and if they don’t, you figure out something else, a plan B. There’s nothing wrong with plan B.”
• “Why is it amazing that I don’t act my age? Why should I act my age? Or more to the point, how is someone my age supposed to act? Old age is part fact, part state of mind, part luck, and wholly something best left for other people to ponder, not you or me. Why waste your time? I don’t.”
• “I’ve retired so many times now it’s getting to be a habit.”
• “I’ve made peace with insecurity… because there is no security of any kind.”
• “I didn’t know the answers, but I could feel that the things that gave life meaning came from a place within and from the nurturing of values like tolerance, charity, and community.”

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